Folks for Oaks

 Folks for Oaks

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 10th, 2009

Folks for Oaks

All throughout the world of journalism, the internet revolution is forcing changes in the media terrain. For instance, the new version of the San Francisco Chronicle comes replete with shiny color pictures, even as Tribune newspapers are experimenting by not using Associated Press photos. Here at EarthSourceMedia, we hope to fuel such revolution, not only journalistically, but literally as well, simply by telling the truth when no one else will.  Cred? You want to see our cred? ‘We don’t need no stinking credibility’ – you’d only threaten us with it! It is the opinion of our editorial department (me!) that with all the shit being done to Americans by America, everyone should be pretty pissed off by now. Pissed off enough to, say, revolt? Or at least piss in somebody important’s sun tea? I did. Go ahead, google it.

Felled Oaks

Anyway, let’s get to all the news that’s fit to spit:

San Francisco- According to a letter in yesterday’s paper, a mentally ill man is being prosecuted for entering a Grizzly Bear enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo, and the letter writer thinks it’s a waste of money. So do I- it’s obvious that the zoo should be prosecuted for animal cruelty for keeping creatures in cages. Zoo’s are nothing more than an excuse to destroy real natural habitat and a sane society would close them all down immediately.

Oakland, California- Ever wonder why EarthSourceMedia doesn’t have a sports section? It’s because we hate sports. We believe sports are for losers. Now, it didn’t used to be that way. This anti-sports venom began at the same time the nazi’s took over America, in 1994 when capitalism ate the World Series! Check the record books. In 1994 there was no World Series! The players went on strike, the season was over, and there was no fall classic. Have you watched any of these games and seen who the sponsors are? Budweiser! Telling twenty million children watching the series to drink beer? How fucked up is that!? %#$@!

But it all went to new heights in 2008, when UC Berkeley wanted to build a new football stadium for the Cal Golden Bears, and cut down an entire grove of Old Growth California Oak Trees next door, for an atheletic field. The area’s kids wanted none of it and they took to the trees, where they lived for about two years, causing an international introspection. What was important, the score or the Earth?

Well, as Alameda County Superior Court Judge Barbara J. Miller saw it in her September 2008 decision, it was the score, and she ordered the tree sitters removed, and the trees cut down. The activists tried to save even one tree in the end, but they cut them all down. How could the good judge be so heartless? We just don’t know, but it is our job to report that she was found dead at her Oakland home last Friday, likely by natural causes. In the interest of true justice, we here at EarthSourceMedia suggest a grove of trees be planted in her honor, and area dog owners bring their dogs to a ceremony to piss on them.

Fort Hood, Texas- Well, it’s finally happened. The soldier who shot 13 of his fellow soldiers (you know, the ones who drew a camel on his car and wrote, ‘camel jockey get out’?) ..well apparently, someone- maybe Dick Cheney- has connected him to 9-11! I knew it, I knew it. This is getting more fun than watching Jesus Camp! Here at EarthSourceMedia, we know it’s gotten hard to believe anything the US says about Swine Flu, election results, downer cattle, or people connected to 9-11, but there may be something to it after all. For instance, When George Bush and Dick Cheney kept saying the name Saddam Hussein in the same sentence as 9-11, it did actually become connected after about the 90th time they said it on TV. Mainly because American’s are a stupid. If you believe there are angels on your shoulder, a devil beneath the Earth’s crust, and a jealous ruler of the universe who wants you all to sing in a building together on Sunday, you’ve got to be very fucked up.

And gullible. And that’s the way they want you, so you can be the cattle who go to work and make the money to give to them so they can give it to all their friends.

Now that we ‘know’ Hasan and Hussein were ‘connected’ to 9-11, EarthSourceMedia has formed a list of others who also have been found with connections to that plot:

1. Richard Pryor…The comedian was heard to yell, “Ahallu Akbar” as he lit the crack pipe that burned his face.

2. Jerry Lewis…Jerry’s hidden muslim faith caused him to attend a terror camp where he planned to kill crippled people around the clock during his last telethon.

3. George Washington…The CIA has discovered the 9-11 plot actually had it’s beginning as a scheme dreamed up by our first President as he crossed the Deleware.

4. Phyllis Diller…The lady comic often spoke of a hubby named ‘Fang’ who the FBI says probably went to flight school with 9-11 terrorists.

5. Newt Gingrich…His ‘Contract with America’ was one part of the 9-11 plot to bring down America.

6.   Rush Limbaugh…Rush’s part in the 9-11 plot was designed to create a nation of addicts through his radio show. The CIA and Columbia’s Uribe beat him to it.

7. Benji the dog….This covert canine wore a turban between movie shoots and once planned to blow up his trailer if food demands weren’t met.

8. All the contestants on ‘Survivor’…they were actually practicing to be the only ones left alive after the planes hit and started a nuclear war. Look close at the red wristbands they wear, affording them entry to Dick Cheney’s underground post-nuclear lair.

9. Bernie Madoff…his part was to become incarcerated to destroy America from inside the prison system, outward.

10. Jesus Christ…refusing to cut his hair (a sign of membership in the Taliban), this demigod whipped up a tremendous amount of fundamentalism during his brief stay on Earth, last seen glowing, floating, and speaking to someone invisible. Could have been wearing a head set. Connected to Al-Qeda headquarters. In Pakistan. On September 10th, 2001. Violated no-fly zone.

Well, that’s it for this episode of ESM-  come back next time for more incredulous commentary on the incredible fall of the Roman- I mean American empire, as we loot brains, wallets, Somali fisheries and mid-eastern oil reserves. And don’t forget to sign over your kids when they want to enlist! After all, those ‘Modern Warfare’ video games won’t satisfy their blood lust forever, you know!

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