EarthSourceMedia Reports for March 23rd, 2009
It has been said that red and yellow make green; it may be more accurate to say that red -as in bloodshed-and green -as in the pursuit of cash- may make yellow.
~Yellow Tide: Amber Alert~
July 14th, 2012- Huntington Beach, California
The day was not unlike many others; a mild breeze swept a salty musk quietly ashore, where sleeping worshippers of the sun bathed in its warm caress. The lanky lifeguard sat high atop his crows nest perch, dreaming of a girl who passed through last season, she having stayed in this seaside hamlet just long enough to rub lotion onto his back, love into his young heart, and salt into his wounds shortly thereafter.
He was startled awake by the laughing of gulls, one of which left a no-return deposit on the wood railing nearby. That was close, he thought and reached for the towel the guards kept for just such occasions. Standing tall, he gazed out to sea and wiped the sleep from his eyes. A second such gaze convinced him that the blur on the eastern horizon was more than the flotsam of today’s siesta.
“Pass me those binocs”, he ordered the junior lifeguard working on homework inside the hut. “Gimme!” he said again, gesturing palm-up and without looking.
“Whaddisit?” asked the teen, handing a powerful pair of binoculars out the rough-cut window.
“Looks like a boat- no, maybe a couple- looks like a mess of small sailboats, all bobbing up and down, maybe a couple miles out”.
“Lemme see- I got good eyes. Lemme see”
“Here- what do you see?” asked the lifeguard.
“Dunno. Is there some sort of reggatta today or sumpin’?”
“Gimme those back a minute. Dam! Get me that walkie-talkie, dude.”
Coastguard Headquarters, Orange County, California
“Captain Braggalot, I’ve got a lifeguard from surf city on the horn talking about a bunch of boats offshore, little, tiny sailboats. He wants- umm, is a race happening today -er- some kind of reggatta? You wanna talk to ‘im? He sounds pretty upset”.
“Nope, nothing ’till September- call upstairs to DHS, ask them if they have anything showing up on radar”.
“Yessir! Mother-may-I, Little red wagon, do you copy over?”
“Mother May I this is Little Red Wagon, come in please?”
“Wagon this is your mother, what’s goin’ on down there over?”
“Lifeguard at tower 22 says he’s got bogies by sea from the east, can you confirm that via radar over?”
“Wait one, wagon” (Fitzman, can you- what the…!)
“Wagon we’re coming right down, don’t make any more transmissions on this frequency..”
Office 2137, Pentagon Complex:
(DHS Secretary, pressing intercom button):
“Colonel Dinkens, can you come up to 2137 on the double please? Tell no one you’re coming, and come alone.”
“I’ll be there on the double Ms Napolitano”.
Main Street Pier, Huntington Beach
“Dude, I am so freakin’ out! This is way ‘deja-vu; remember when the Police Chief in Jaws, umm, what was his name, Brody, or what was his real…”
“Martin Brody- Roy Schieder”.
“Yeah! Remember when the shark was in the pond and those guys were doing this exact same…”
“Shut up and keep making that announcement- keep holding that trigger thing down when you speak!”
YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE- ALL CITIZENS PLEASE EXIT THE BEACH IMMEDIATELY- THIS IS AN EMERGENCY- BY THE ORDER OF THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY ALL CITIZENS MUST EVACUATE THE BEACH AREA IMMEDIATELY- REMAIN CALM-
“Dam bro, what the $@!^k is goin’ on, man? Where are all these guys coming from- they look Chinese!”
“Let’s stop and talk to one of ’em- stop the blazer, stop for a second, maybe we can ask…Sir? Uh, sir? We’d like to ask you a few- what is…can I read that piece of paper in your hand? Can I- do you mind?”
“Whoa dude- if this is what I think it is-”
“Christ, will you people just go around, just go aro-HEY!! You! Yeah, you- you can’t leave that there- no! You can’t moor your boat there, dingy, junk, whateveritis, you CAN’T LEAVE it THERE, ya hear me?”
Jesus, they’re like locusts! What in the hell is goin’ on here?”
Office 2137, Pentagon Complex:
“Got here as soon as I..”
“Good, sit down and listen! I just got a call from Wen Jiabao, and he’s saying…”
“Wen who? I’m sorry, I don’t…”
“Wen Jiabao, knucklehead, he’s the Chinese Premier, and he’s worried about his money- actually, he’s worried about our economy and who can blame him? Out of the two trillion dollars China has scattered around outside it’s own country, 70% of that is U.S. government loans, and that ain’t no chopped liver, ya understand me?”
“Yes Janet, but what can he do right now? You can’t get blood from a stone-”
“I’ll tell you what he can do, and he’s already doing it! He’s emptying his prisons, mental hospitals, reform schools sewers and poor houses and he’s sending them over here on little boats with deeds for an acre and a half each, and our intelligence reports say he sent a billion of them this morning at gunpoint, he’s shooting anyone who heads back for China and…”
(Head hung down and shaking back and forth) “And?”
“…and he’s sending the second billion right now. Got any ideas?”
“Uh-uh- ….hey, wait!”
(Napolitano and Dinkens at the same time): “Cheney’s detention centers in Arizona!”
Huntington beach; Bolsa Chica Bluffs:
*squeeeek!!!*VERMIND YOUR BEACH TOWELS AND UMBRELLAS-THEY WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU AT A LATER DATE- ALL CITIZENS PLEASE EXIT THE BEACH AREA USING THE HANDY WHEELCHAIR RAMPS PROVIDED NEAR THE CONCESSION STANDS AND-
“So, those things are some kind of-”
“Property titles or something, yeah, I think so. That must be how the Chinese intend to get paid for financing the Iraq invasion.”
“Those ungrateful bastards- don’t they appreciate the way we kept them safe from terrorism so they can be free to bust college students, sentence them to death, parade them around a stadium of screaming lunatics and then shoot them in the back of the head? The nerve!”
*Squeek!!!*PEAT-DO NOT BOTHER WITH YOUR COOLERS, BLANKETS OR UMBRELLAS- THIS IS THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SEC-squeek!!!!*
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC; the Whitehouse:
“And I want to be kept up to the second..”
“…. the instant….”
“….no matter wha..”
(Red phone sounds the theme from Hawaii 5-O):
“It’s the Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao!- Agent Tribbleeto?”
“Leave the office now”.
“Premier Jiabao, what a pleasant sur-”
“Don’t boo-shit me, Mr. Obama please. Where’s my money?”
“Why Mr. Premier, the office of the treasury is printing additional…”
“Like Mr. Ahmadinijhad says, Mr. Obama- ‘worthless pieces of paper- you’re broke! Everybody knows it and you, meester fellow, have exactly one hour to fess up with it or I send the signal to send the jailers to send the key masters to send the inmates to their awaiting armada to send to Huntington Beach! One hour, Mr. Obama-goodbye.”
Coast Guard Headquarters, Orange County:
“Shiny Red Wagon this is Arizona Border Patrol do you copy? Repeat, the detention centers are completely full and we…”
“Arizona this is Red Wagon, are you ok out there? Come in Arizona!”
Main Street Pier, Huntington Beach:
REPEAT, DO NOT COME BACK FOR YOUR PICNIC BASKETS- “Aw, what’s the use? C’mon kid, let’s take one of these boats and head for trinidad, I hear the surfs up!”
“Cowabunga dude! Hey- you kids, save me a boat! hey man, come on dude, save me a…”
Tag Lines: wen jiabao, obama, huntington beach, america, china, department of homeland security, coast guard, deed, reform school, trinidad, picnic, umbrella, orange county, reserves, trillion dollar debt, government loans, yellow tide, amber alert, janet napolitano