Stained Glass Ego Parlor


EarthSourceMedia Reports for February 20th, 2009

~’The Stained Glass Ego Parlor’~

by joey racano

There is a place. Yes, folks, there is a place indeed. A place that points up the folly of mankind and the hypocracy of religion like no other place on Earth. A place of insatiable greed and unknowable egomania. Located in Garden Grove, California, this place is called the ‘Crystal Cathedral’- the:

~Stained Glass Ego Parlor~

First, let me tell of my own experience with this many-story glass abomination; just a short distance away, is located the Orange County Dog Pound. I remember the dogs all barking, all suffering, my dog among them. But unlike some of the others, I was there to spring my dog from a different abomination. Yelp yelp, bark bark howl cry. And what, I wondered, were they all saying? It could have been something like:

“Kill me fast, or kill me slow,

but that disgusting display of christian vulgarity

has GOT TO GO!”

And now, let’s join our story, already in progress (for 2000 years)…

A few days ago, at 9:30 in the morning, yet another line of amazed foreign tourists were, well- touring– touring the Crystal Cathedral. The people and banter have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent, but the facts and event are real:

~Stained Glass Ego Parlor~

“Welcome to the Cathedral, would you like to make a large donation today?” asked one of the two ‘greeters’ at the gem-encrusted portal (located quite close to a desperately poor neighborhood).

“Sva, jess, jess, vee vould like do make zee donazzion, yah, yah. How mudge do gedd do Evan, yah?” asked one elderly tourist.

“Ain’t none of us going to heaven, sweety”, answered the other door lady chewing her gum loudly. “Donations go in here, thank you, and Jesus thanks you, and Reverand Schueller thanks you”, she finished, slipping the cash portion into her hip pocket. She then excused herself to ‘use the bathroom’, and put the money out in her car. Every few thousand helps, ya know. After all, if she wasn’t supposed to be stealing from Reverand Scheuller what Reverand Scheuller was stealing from the nice lady, then why did God get her this job working the door at the stained glass ego parlor in the first place? ‘Baby need a new pair o’ shoes’, and all.

“Right this way, watch your step please, chop-chop- there’s another bus coming in about 20 minutes, so, oops- careful dear, that’s right”.

“Oooh! Ahhh!” said the tourists, relieved of their worldy cares -and cash- as they gazed in awe at the gargantuan glass structure. Cavernous is a good discription. We at EarthSourceMedia think that cavern may indeed lead straight to hell.

“Step over here, no, pay no attention to that” she tells them as a well-dressed security guard drags a destitute spanish-speaking mother out of the building by her hair.

“Madres pappino, madre o’ jesus, my fama-lee starving, pleeze, pleeze let me stay and pray please!!” she pleaded.

Her pleas fell on deaf ears.

“Sorry Lolita, but there’s a dress code here, and your skin ain’t dressed in the right color, kapish amigo? said the man, depositing her in the alley out back and blowing hair from his open palm.

“Now this,” the tour guide lady continued, “is where we line up at the illuminated cross and hear all about our new suicide prevention program. That’s it, single line, please, good, good. After spending $400 Jillion Ka-tramillion ba-dillion quillion dollars on rings, buckles babes bras and booze, the generous reverend decided to do something for the community with the four dollars and 18 cents remaining for fiscal 2008, so what better, he thought, than create a suicide prevention program?”

Just then, there was a small commotion at the door, as a 43-year old homeless man walked into the cathedral and handed the two receptionists a wallet, a California drivers Lisence and a small donation wrapped in a brief note.

“SHHHHHHHHHH!” said the ladies, as though it were a library. “Quiet!” they admonished. “Do you want the lord to choke on his angel hair pasta?”

“Umm, sorry ma’am” the man whispered respectfully. “Here” he whispered, “you may want this” he said, handing her a note. “Sorry!”, and he walked over to kneel at the illuminated cross.

“Well I never!” snipped the lady with the pocket full of cash, about to make another car run. “Anyway, we here at the Crystal cathedral know that God can’t help but be watching because the glass shines so -especially in the sunlight, whenever the Orange County smog lifts every Christmas morning- and besides, even God couldn’t miss something this tall!” “Well, knowing we’re watched as well as being special to God, what with all the dough we raise, we decided to take our new program seriously. The way we keep folks from getting too desperate is to communicate. LISTEN to them.”

Meanwhile, the 43 year old homeless man kneeling at cross says to her, “Ma’am? Ma’am, can I ask…”

“Not now! the tour guide lady snarls at him, “Can’t you see I’m talking about something important?!!”

“Now, where was I…Oh, yes, our suicide program…we take care to LISTEN to the downtrodden, the poor, the destitute, the CHOSEN PEOPLE of JESUS.”

Nearby, the kneeling man has quietly drawn a gun from his dirty pants, takes a last look around the temple and places it to his temple.

“So, being as there is a great need in the community, the reverand decided to go without a pedicure this week, and…”

BLAM! the single shot rang out through the cathedral.

“Oye my Gvod! screamed the touristas-on-tour. “Oye my Gvod!”

“Oh, now don’t worry about the mess. That poor soul is gonna catch HECK for messin’ up that floor in about 30 more seconds by you-know-who- can y’all just wait a minute while I take care of this? I’m truly dreadfull sorry-…”

She takes out a small walkee-talkee

“Security? Security, we have another  ‘dropper’ at the I-cross, note this is a ‘dropper’ turned ‘checker-outer’. Please 86 ASAP on aisle 7 near the used-communion wafer bucket- thank you.”

“Now, where were we? Oh yes, so, we LISTEN, we CARE, we HEAR and we RESPOND. Now, you may say to yourself, ‘why would these busy people care, and how would these important people find the time and the love in their hearts, to…’….”

(for the homeless man) this is THE END

I’m joey racano for EarthSourceMedia, saying, from the troops praying on Easter before going out to the kill zone, to the secret vats at Anhouser Busch where they make the holy water, goodnight and sleep on your guns.

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   Tags: crystal cathedral, troops, easter, suicide, povery, hipocracy, stealing, garden grove, christianity, religion, war,

One Response to “Stained Glass Ego Parlor”

  1. That crystal cathedral has always pissed me off.
    And yet it is the epitome of the essence of Christianity, a religion based on documents which were altered by men who did not know God, let alone his “Son”…
    But all the sheep who follow wolves freely and of their own volition… Can we save the sheep from their own stupidity?
    I can’t save my mom and dad, who believe I am headed for hell if I don’t repent. All I can tell them is that I know too much to go back to the trap of Christianity… that would indeed be “the second death” and unthinkable.
    I love my Christian friends and family. I just can’t follow them into the death chamber.

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