‘The Princess and the Pirates’

pirate proof

EarthSourceMedia Reports for December 10th, 2008

‘The Princess and the Pirates’ 

Scene One:

(Ships horn bellows through misty salt air…womans voice crackles through megaphone…)

“Welcome aboard and thank you for choosing Princess of the carribean, world’s most trusted cruise lines. Please present your ticket to the gate attendent at the afterbrow, taking note of the section number in the upper left hand corner. Register all carry on luggage at the quarterdeck recieving window and proceed to the 0 1 level for passenger orientation. Passengers may sign up for extra-curricular on board duties in order to aquire ‘complementary cruise’ dream tickets, one to a volunteer, ten available per journey. Interested parties contact Petty Officer Third Class Madrigar.”

Scene Two:

(Handsome seafaring officer in white ‘Love Boat’ uniform looks up from walnut stateroom desk…)

“Petty Officer Madrigar, Extra Duty Division, how may I be of help to you today?”

“Oh hi, my name is Johnson, Dave Johnson, and I’m interested -curious about the extra duty available to passengers. How do I qualify?”

R-r-r-ing! “One moment Mr. Johnson- uh, X Duty HQ, Petty Officer Madrigar speaking, can I help you? No, I’m sorry, Mr. Halifax is no longer with us, he’s taken a job with Blackwater International in the intersection management division, thank you. No, no, nothing this trip, I’m interviewing a prospect right now, can I do anything else for you today? OK, thank you- goodbye.”

“Sorry about that, now let’s see, it says here you had no military experience?”

“No, but I was in the boy scouts.”

“Did you make eagle?”

“Uh, almost- mom pulled me out when the whole prayer thing hit the news- we’re athiests”.

“Any National Guard, Sea Scouts, anything like that?”

“Nope. Played a lot of army men as a kid though.”

“How ’bout your local police, ever done a ‘ride along’?”


“Ah, what the heck, we need ten, we got nine, congratulations on your free cruise, Mr. Johnson! See you on the sun deck at 0600 hours- wear white.”

“White, sir?”

“White. All white- our Pirate response contingency team members wear all white, for their own protection. We’ll explain it all tomorrow- see you then.”

 Scene Three:

(Warm cabin, rocking ever-so-slightly. Ploofy bed, satin sheets. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson smooch and cuddle…)

“Morning honey- coming for breakfast?”

“Can’t- got a meeting up on the sun deck.”

“Oh? Not with that swedish floozy in cabin 61, I hope!”

“Ha! No, can’t really talk about it, not ’till after Somalia. Go have an omelete- love you!”

“Love you too sugar. Be careful.”

Scene Four:

  (Next morning on the Sun Deck, 0600 hrs, ten tired passengers up too early, watching an animated Mr. Madrigar through bloodshot eyes…)

“Glad you all could make it- except you, Ms. Brighton- you are required to arrive of your own devices. Next time you will be disqualified.”

“Oh, Curt, stop it- you kept me out so late, and then after we…”

“Atten-hut! That’s enough of that. Mr. johnson, why are you in a cooking apron and a chefs hat, pray tell?”

“It’s the only thing I had in white.”

“Never mind- Ms. Brighten, please pass these out for our team members.”

All: “Oooh!”

“That’s right, all-white kevlar sailing jump suits with matching Sergio Techini windbreakers, a complete and stunning set for each of you to keep when the mission is over, compliments of Princess of the carribean-”

All (groaning): “Most trusted name in cruise lines.”

“Indeed! And that’ll be about enough, mind you all!”

“Mission sir?”

“That’s right Mr. Johnson. And now it’s time you all learned why you are here on the princess of the Carribean Pirate Contingency team.”

(Takes pointer stick to screen, looks up to porthole on next level…)

“Rivbarton, roll and cue, and…roll ’em! As you can see here, ours isn’t the only ship acosted by pirates in these dangerous straights off the coast- everyone is having the same trouble, Jim Chevron, Richie Texaco, The Exxon family, The Toyota Twins, even Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream group.”

“Ben and Jerr-”

“Silence! Note the photo of the pirate in the first boat, holding an RPG launcher- that’s no toy, team. And it’s up to you to stop them.”

say cheese!

“See, unbeknownst to air heads like the people on this cruise, there is great suffering out there in the world, mostly a result of, ahem, rich folks who sail around shopping at any and all ports of call with no sense of personal or environmental responsibility-”


“Yes, Madrigar- oh, oh yes, it’s time to dump the trash overboard, well, get on with it then, and be sure the sewage tanks are purged, aim for the wildlife refuge, you know the one- yes, yes, where the Brown Pelicans nest. What’s that? White Pelicans? Well they’re brown now, aren’t they then! Now if you don’t mind, I’m busy protecting this operation- Madrigar out!” (click!)

“None of you ever having been military, it may take a minute or two to get the feel of these- Ms. brighton, if you will…”

(Pretty Ms. Brighten, the Swede from cabin 61, BTW, passes out an all-white AK-47 to each team member- all gasp, eyes wide…)

“Now, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of these easily enough when the time comes. This is the completion of your training, the ship is white, the uniforms white, even the machine guns are white- perfect cammoflouge- oh, and we’ll all be having this as well: compliments of ben and Jerry- vanilla of course. So here is the plan-

When our ship, the ‘Lady Decadence’, passes right through here-the ‘Straights of Destitution’, we can possibly expect piratic activity. Ms. brighton here will use her mega-horn phone to declare our unconditional surrender, and using her white bikini uniform, supplied of course by Princess of the Carribean, most-”

All: trusted name in cruiselines- blechh!”

“Ahem, yes- she will invite the pirates to dock alongside at specially designated ‘kill’ zones, where they will be informed all passengers have been stripped of watches chains and jewelry to save them time. That it has all been placed in a hat, to be passed right out to them -at over 10 knots!”


“At this time, all of you will be in your quarters watching the alarms we have designed specially to keep the passengers from becoming frightened. There are three lights in your cabins- green is ‘all clear’, yellow, is ‘someone has gotten sea sick’, and red means iminent danger of being boarded by Somali pirates! When you see the red light, consider it  a General quarters alarm, load your banana clips into the weapon, and take your places on the roof deck spaced 10 yards apart for the length of the ship. When ms. Brighton shows the money, lean forward and empty your weapons on them. Is that all clear? Very well then…. stand by”

“Sir, we just got a message from the fantail, pirates on the starboard, coming fast!”

“Alright then, team, lock and load! take ypour positions and wait for the hat!”

(Ms Brighton clutches at Mr. Madrigar…)

“Curt! Curt- I know you’ve got a girl in every port but- tell me, tell me you love me-”

“I love you!”

(a quick embrace is all they have and it’s action!)

Stay tuned next week for:

‘Seasick Forensic Pirate’

For earthsourceMedia, this is joey racano saying, Goodnight and go with grace!”


our founder

Ratta-tat-tat!  Ratta-tat-tat-tat!

Technorati Profile

Tags: somali pirates cruise ship hijacking, chevron, texaco, ben and jerrys, toyota, blackwater

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.