‘I’d Rather Have Dan’

crucifix in corner

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 29th, 2008

‘I’d Rather Have Dan’

Must be the holiday thing; all kinds of unusual goings-on in the news world and no shortage of it here at EarthSourceMedia. Take the president. Please. And send in a left-leaning populist like Kucinich. I don’t care if he’s seen a UFO. So have I. I’ll have to tell that story sometime. But here’s something a little ‘easier’ to believe: a report from the peanut gallery a few days back concluded people who pray a lot live longer. Of course, some would see this as psuedo-proof that prayers are answered by their diety-of-choice, because everyone wants to live longer and so, prayers answered. But here at EarthSourceMedia, it’s our self-appointed masochistic job to delve deeper, to approach from just outside the accepted paradigm. So we look at it like this: That dirty rat of a God. That cheater! It’s always been ‘known’ by psychotics that he’s got a jealous streak a mile long, but now we find out he lets people who pray live longer– intentionally delays their ascent to heaven, postponing their ecstasy! I’m sorry, but that’s just not right. C’mon, God, give them what they deserve. -ESM

On with the show:

short takes:

Washington: Bush says the United States is behind India in the wake of the attacks. Here at EarthSourceMedia, we say, oh, the US was behind it alright.

Mumbai: First hand reports of that attack (death toll now at 195) say a gunman ‘was smiling’ as he fired. I don’t know about you, but when I’m that close to 21 virgins, I smile too.

Bangkok, Thailand: Media reports say a grenade has wounded 34 protesters. Those grenades must be made by the US- they’re supposed to wound at least 35.

Washington: Faced with an unprecedented deficit of over a trillion dollars when he takes office next year, Barack Obama stated in the nations papers he was going to ‘slash federal spending’. This caused great alarm at the home of Fed Spending, a fishing boat operator from Appalachiacola, Florida. “If I’d known he was violent, I wouldn’t’ve voted for ‘im”, said Mr. Spending.

Sacramento, California: A guest who had imbibed a few too many drinks at a holiday party, grabbed a knife and began attacking fellow party-goers. The chaos came to a halt when a quick-thinking guest subdued him by beating him with a large candy-cane lawn ornament. Police concluded it was self defense, and the ‘candyman’ was not charged.

Fallbrook, California:

A Mr. Jim Hayes wrote in to the Los Angeles Times, asking why the KKK (Ku Klux Klan) weren’t referred to as terrorists more often in the press. We here at EarthSourceMedia can answer that one for you, Mr. Hayes. On a recent outing, I wound up stopping to use a restroom at an ‘Applebees’ restaurant. While waiting, I noticed the stores entryway was lined with many framed photos- all of members of police, fire and military organizations, and all in uniform. Always alarmed at our country’s hard-right turn, I mentioned this to my girl when I got back to the car. ‘That’s a nazi place’ I exclaimed. Then a few nights ago, a guest on the Conan O’brien Show touted a book he had written about ‘americana’, telling how he infiltrated everything from McDonalds to white supremacists groups to research the book. “White supremacists? How’d you meet them?” asked O’brien.

“I met them at ‘Applebees'”, he answered. “That’s where they do their recruiting”.

So, the answer, Mr. Hayes, is the KKK aren’t often referred to as terrorists because they are mainly made up of those people we associate with fighting terrorism. (Incidentally, I can’t tell you how much joy I get knowing these people are secretly steaming from the ears over a black president having been elected). Anyway, here at EarthSourceMedia, we have a sure-fire way of identifying terrorists- terrorists are basically all the people who say they are fighting terrorism. -ESM

Montgomery Township, New Jersey:

“Keep your head down!- he’ll see you!”

“I’ll take the flank- Mills, Bickerson, you take the back- we’ll flush this turkey out!”

After trying to make contact with a  bankrobber by telephone and using a bullhorn, a SWAT team ended an hours long standoff when they entered the bank and found out that the person seen through a window was actually a cardboard cutout. -ESM

  Bloomington, Illinois:

Zoo officials are selling holiday ornaments made from dried reindeer feces at the zoo gift shop. Marketing Director Susie Ohley calls them, “magical reindeer gem ornaments”. A glob of reindeer shit goes for $5.00. 

In the News:

‘I’d Rather have Dan’

TV News great Dan Rather, the only man with the balls to go after Bush when the country was plummitting headlong into fascism, was fired by his network to quell republican criticism of a ’60 Minutes’ segment Rather did about how George W. Bush recieved favorable treatment during a stint in the National Guard. The fact that Rather was unceremoniously dismissed by CBS despite his legendary stature points up the dark abyss America had fallen into, reminiscent of 1939 Germany. Now that the world has gotten wise to the nonsensical ‘war on terror’ (with a little push from the Bush cabal’s looting of the country), the tide may be turning. Rather apparently has come up with evidence to support his assertion that CBS investigated and dismissed him for political reasons. Go Dan!

 joey racano

our founder

That’s our show for tonight, so I’m joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying, “Goodnight and go with grace”.  -ESM

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Tags: dan rather, mumbai, terrorism, police, fire, military, aplebees, conan obrien, dennis kucinich, republican, cbs, kkk, grenades, thai protesters, bangkok, national guard, george w bush, reindeer, mcdonalds, tv anchor, white supremacists, swat, bullhorn, ufo

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