‘I Pledge Allegiance’

obey!

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 30th, 2008

‘I Pledge Allegiance…’ 

Shalamcha, Iraq:Iran and Iraq resumed exchanging the remains of 241 war dead who perished in their 1980-1988 war, after the exchange had been interrupted by the U.S. led invasion of 2003. Anyone who knows their middle east recent history will remember Saddam got his ass kicked in both conflicts. Although a tyrant among his people, he was often defeated dealing with outsiders. One interesting event unfolded when U.S. oil companies taught Kuwait ‘slant drilling’. They sucked Iraq’s oil dry from across the their border! Saddam, of course, got angry and called for a meeting with the United States. At the time, Saddam was often engaged in arms deals with America (he and Donald Rumsfeld were photographed sealing one such deal with a handshake). So a meeting was indeed granted. Hussein asked how the U.S. would feel about an Iraqi invasion of Kawait. Then-U.S. President George H. Bush sent a lady diplomat to meet with Saddam. She told him, “The United States has no opinion one way or another”. Reassured the mighty U.S. was uninterested, Saddam attacked Kuwait, and Bush #1 immediately used it as an excuse to start the first Iraq war, saying, “He’s gonna get his ass kicked“.  Bush #2 was still probably high on cocaine yet, and hiding from duty in the Texas Air National Guard.Ah, a tangled web, this ‘Speak truth to youth!’ business is, si?  Here at EarthSourceMedia, we give Iraq and Iran seven stupidstix for exchanging dead peoples remains when what they should have done was make the exchange while the people were still living. -ESM

Pakistan:

‘Airstrike of the day’‘Airstrike kills 2 near border’, says the headline in todays LA Times. Please allow ESM to translate: ‘Near the border’ means, near it, but freakin’ over it. In other words, inside Pakistan. Bombing Pakistan. Or as AT&T would say, ‘reaching out and touching someone’ in Pakistan. Killing people in Pakistan. -ESM 

Washington:

A Congressionally-ordered study has concluded that the threat of biological terrorism is growing. A to-be-released-this-week study shows that terrorists may one day soon create synthetic versions of such dastardly demons as Ebola, or germs genetically modified to be vaccine and antibiotic resistant. EarthSourceMedia agrees with this spot-on study. We didn’t have to wait for the results though. While the study concentrates on telling the next administration it must do more to keep viruses out of the wrong hands, we think it would be wiser if the United States would stop promoting domestic labs that are keeping such terrible germs alive and experimenting to make them more dangerous. In fact, the number of ‘high-containment’ labs inside the United States has tripled since 2001. 2001- sound familiar? It makes us feel a lot safer though, knowing that former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld (wanted for war crimes in France) has stock in a vaccine corporation.

EarthSourceMedia suggested reading: ‘The Stand’ by Stephen King. Suggested watching: ”V is for Vendetta’, the movie.

Besmaya Range Complex, Iraq:

“So, there’s a Jew, an Italian, a Polack, and a German in an airplane…

“On the job training, that’s what we like here at EarthSourceMedia. No bones about it, if you give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, however, and you feed him forever. And so it is with those pesky ‘IED’s’ (Improvised Explosive Devices). Let’s face it, you really aren’t helping anyone if you get yourself blown up by a roadside bomb for them. If you really want to help them…

Now that Iraq’s ‘Parliament’ has agreed to allow the U.S. to stay in Iraq for at least three more years, U.S. military forces are pretending they are leaving soon, and have started teaching Iraqi forces how to disarm roadside bombs. Of course. the truth is, it’s costing the U.S. too much money to care for all the soldiers coming back home looking like a second base bag (no arms or legs) from IED’s, so we are letting the Iraqi’s do the close-up stuff. Here’s a transcript from a recent disarmament-“Ashdagh, see that big can with the wires down there near the side of the road? Go over there- take these pliers- listen to the ticking, you’re ok as long as it keeps ticking.”tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick”I gnow i gan do it””Yeah, yeah, you can do it Ashdagh, go on now”.tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick”Diz? Like diz?”tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick”No, no, Ashdagh, a little bit to the…””tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick”Like diz?”tick-tick-ti……*B-O-O-M!* “Dammit Ashdagh! OK, Semghev, your turn, geddup here!”

New York:

Watching a surveillance tape, police saw a sign of an economic upturn, as a soon-to-be trampled-to-death Wal Mart worker waited -a bit too close- to the front doors, about to open at 5:00 a.m. in Valley Stream New York. The film clearly showed that retailers fears of a slow Black Friday were completely unfounded as the store loudspeaker began it’s countdown, and the glassy-eyed crowd caused the stores huge double-plate glass front doors to swell and bend with each passing second-

10   9   8   7   6

 “Jdimytai,  (we shit you not, that was his real name-ESM), Jdimytai, get the fuck out of there!”

5   4 

“I’ll bee ullride, aw-k, aw-k”

3   2

  “Jdimytai, get out-!”

2  1  0

“I’ll be ogay, I’ll be ‘AhahahahahahahahahahahhhhGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHRRRG!!!”

The sheer ferocity of this stampede, which also left a metal door frame bent like an accordian, points up the economic progress this country is showing in time for the holiday season. Police also say the video shows how useful ’round-the-clock cameras are and hope they will soon be everywhere. -ESM

Alexandria, Pennsylvania:

The Reverend George Docherty, credited with forcing congress to insert ‘Under God’ into the pledge of allegiance, has died at 97 years old. EarthSourceMedia considers this very good news, because as the dinosaurs of ignorance die out, our chances for survival as a civilization increase. Of course, now that Mr. Docherty is dead and finished screwing with our country’s pledge of allegiance, we here at EarthSourceMedia would like to see the following language inserted into his epitaph-

Here lies a wretched control freakonly satisfied

when his own psychotic beliefs were pried into

 the pledge and forced uponAmerican kids

for a century after his death

That’s it for today here at EarthSourceMedia, where we’d like to thank everyone for helping us set a new record for ‘hits’ on the website last week. Goodnight, and go with grace”

.our founder

our founder

Technorati Profile

Tags: reverend george docherty, pledge of allegiance, george bush, kawait, slant drilling, iraq, iran, surveillance, disarmament, under god, congress, stampede, black friday, economy, us military, wal mart, valley stream, iraqi parliament, saddam, us led invasion, us oil companies

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.