‘Bonneville be Dammed’

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EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 28th, 2008

 ‘Bonneville be Dammed’

ESM mini-editorial/screenplay:

The following is a work of fiction, written, designed and posted for entertainment purposes only. Any names or similarities to persons, agencies, governments or institutions is purely coincidental and don’t mean a goddam thing.

-editor, EarthSourceMedia, -08

(September, 2008.  Three dark figures meet on the shore of the Ganges. Two in western suits, one in flowing traditional Hindian garb)

Azhdi Solamanaker: “Meezder Chenie, Meezder Roove, eed eez goo’d do zee yoo’ agayn

Dick Chenie: “Always a pleasure, Mr. Solamanaker. Our nation is grateful for being allowed to provide Hindia with the nuclear tools you need to make progress towards safety and prosperity. What can we do for you this time?”

 Azhdi Solamanaker: “Wale, eed eez obvious to the Krazha that our country now needs to develop its natural reezourzes to insure that prosperity. However, our peoples are not zo zure and we need help in convinzing dem. Can you pleeze show us the way that you convinzed your own peoples to go from free to polize state in the few short time zinze 9/11?”

Dick Chenie: “Certainly, Mr. Solamanaker. Tell the esteemed Krazha that in order to whip the citizens of Hindia into line, your people must first feel the ferocious snap of terrorism, biting them right on their own doorstep, as Americans did in 2001.”

Azhdi Solamanaker: “And whaddoo you zuggest, kind sir? How can Hindia’s people feel this ferocity in a timely manner?”

Dick Chenie: “Karl, educate old Azhdi here, will ya?”

Karl Roove: : You bet. Mr. Solamanaker, for a tidy fee, our Blackwater organization will-”

Azhdi Solamanaker: “Ah yez, Blackwater- the ‘dark and wet onez“.

Karl Roove: “…will descend on Mumbai -covertly, of course- and create the terror your great country needs to awaken its sleeping peoples to the advantages of obedience and monocultural living. Just say the word and we’ll make the call that’ll do it all. All we’ll need from the Krazha is an exclusive no-bid contract for Halliburton to build 50 nuclear power plants in Hindia at a cost of, say, heefteen hillion dollars?”.

Azhdi Solamanaker: “Zo eet eez done“.

*R-r-r-r-r-ing! R-rr-r-ring!*

BWI: “You have reached the offices of Blackwater International. Please listen closely to the following options, as our menu has recently been changed in order to serve you better. If this is a life threatening emergency, hang up now, and dial 9-1-1. Otherwise, stay on the line and choose from the following choices;

If you are experiencing an uprising and need to shut your airports, press 1 now. 

If a woman named ZBhutto is about to be elected and you need an assasination, press 2 now.

If your president just stole an election but noone will listen to him anyway because he looks like howdy-doody and you want to transform a free state into a police state by blowing up two very tall center-of-commerce skyscrapers, press 3 now.

If you’ve lost a ship to Somali pirates and want us to blow up a fishing boat, press 4 now.

If you want…(beeeeep) Please hold the line, a representative will…(beeeep!) “Blackwater International, ‘no coot too old to shoot’, how may I direct your call?”

Dick Chenie: “Alright Azdhi, go back to your Krazha and tell him everything will be taken care of- just be ready to storm some buildings with your SWAT, and have those nuke contracts signed in an hour”.

Azhdi Solamanaker: “Dank yoo’ dankyoobeddymach. From deez day on, Mumbai weel live in glory forever!”

‘This has been an EarthSourceMedia dramatization only. If the American government actually were responsible for 97% of the worlds terrorism, you would have been given directions toward the nearest fallout shelter and directed to place your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye’. -ESM

Point Magu, California:

Anyone who’s driven on Pacific Coast Highway along the rugged Central Coast of California can attest to the unforgiving nature of the mighty pacific, as it caresses the shoreline there with all the grace of a sledgehammer. Surfers have their own code of rules for dealing with it, including rule #1 -‘never turn your back on the ocean’. But with the enormous amount of tourist traffic and the scant brains within the heads of some holiday travelers, every year we see the same tragic story unnecessarily repeated- sightseers get swept to their deaths, off the rocks and out to sea. This Thursday, 5 young men stood atop the famous Point Magu oggling at the dangerously beautiful Pacific when a huge wave dragged them into the ocean. Two survived. EarthSourceMedia has obtained a transcript of what the 5 men were saying in those last fateful moments:

“Hey, look at that! OMG, it’s beautiful!”

“Yeah, and check out those – wow! Didi you see how high that wave came up? Wow!”

“Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, wow! Ha ha ha!”

“Ha ha ha- hey, look at this one, it’s huge!”

“Ha ha ha ha!”

“Oh shit, it’s…”

Austin, Texas:

A story published in the journal ‘Current Biology’ tells of scientists finding a new species of slimy one-celled creature that moves by rolling itself along on the ocean floor, and leaves a weird trail. “We now have to rethink the fossil record” said Mikhail V. Matz of the University of Austin Texas. EarthSourceMedia wonders if further scientific analisys will show some link to slimes Cheney Rumsfeld Rice or Rove. -ESM 

Valley Stream, New York:

In an unbridled orgy of hedonistic consumption, Americans enjoyed ‘Black Friday’, a yearly event in which stores open early and retailers unload products at a savings to consumers. With shoppers particularly rabid this yuletide season, doors opened at the Wal-Mart in Valley Stream, Long Island at 5:00 a.m. and by 6:00 a.m., shoppers had trampled a 34 year old Wal Mart worker to death.

Brazil:

In a pitched battle to save the forests from desperately poor people who are cutting it down, government forces arrived a few days after the illegal loggers ransacked  government offices and chased environmental protection agents out of town. Led by the Environmental  Minister of Brazil, a huge government force took the town back and closed down illegal timber mills. Here at EarthSourceMedia, we believe it will take confrontation at this level to save our own temperate rain forests, something that is not likely to happen due to the stranglehold developers and the extraction industry have on our political system.

Afghanistan:

Production of poppies in Afghanistan is down 6% this year, cutting into the American government’s profitable business of selling drugs to our inner city youth. Natural forces, such as drought, have driven up the price of wheat and other foods, making them almost as lucrative to grow as poppies. Afghanistan provides 95% of the worlds opium-based drugs, like heroin. These drugs are mainly sold in the US. Now do you know why we are in Afghanistan?  

Washington:

The headlines scream ‘Electronic attack on Pentagon may have originated in Russia’. Not likely. EarthSourceMedia thinks it is much more likely that cyber-attacks on the Pentagon originate in the Bush administration, who use any cyber-hysteria they create as a reason to clamp down on the internet. First they wanted to protect us from cyber porn, then from cyber-spam, and now from cyber-attacks on the Pentagon. What they really want to protect us from is our free speech. But for now at least, we here at EarthSourceMedia can still ‘Speak truth to youth!’ and say things like, “Pentagon sounds a lot like pentagram- so they must be affiliated with the devil!”

Somali jack of the day:

Somali pirates are a step closer to a featured role in ‘Pirates of the carribean’ or at least a book deal today, after hijacking a Liberian-flagged chemical tanker off the coast of Africa. This is the 97th Somali-jacking this year. Pirates currently hold 15 ships and 300 crew hostage. The nature and volume of the cargo carried by some of the ships constitutes the gravest of environmental threats. -ESM

And finally today, speaking of environmental threats…as a well-known environmentalist on the US West Coast, I once recieved a phone call from a man who identified himself as ‘Brian Baird’. He called me at home and asked me how I felt about killing Sea Lions at Bonneville Dam to save endangered Salmon, at least 100 per day being eaten by the opportunistic Sea Lions. First of all, there was no small confusion, as I mistook the caller to be the Brian Baird from the California Coastal Commission and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s California Ocean Protection Council. As I found out later, this was not the case. The caller was U.S. Congressman Brian Baird, a Democrat representing Washington State. He apparently called me because at the time, I was a member of the California Democratic Party, a State Central Committee Delegate, and had successfully authored the ‘Heritage Tree’ State Resolution which put the California Democratic Party in favor of protecting the state’s Old Growth Redwoods. I wound up confusing the two, and only recently explained it all to Brian Baird of the Ocean Protection Council at his lecture on Marine Protected Areas in San Diego at the Birch Aquarium. I had sent out an e mail criticising the wrong Brian Baird for pitting the Marine Mammal Protection Act against the Endangered Species Act, and went on to explain the real solution was to remove the Bonneville Dam, not kill the Sea Lions. Needless to say, one Brian Baird got mad at me, and explained he and the OPC had nothing to do with it. When I finally discovered that there were two different Brian Bairds working on the environment on the West Coast at a high level of government, I issued a retraction, sending along photos of both men, one labeled the ‘good’ BB, the other, the ‘bad’ BB.

Well, the chickens have come home to roost, as a judge has given the ok to kill up to 85 Sea Lions a year for 5 years. EarthSourceMedia feels it would save a lot more Salmon if we take down the dam Dam than if we seal the fate of 85 seals a year for 5 years. I guess what we’re trying to say is, don’t seal the deal by sealing the fate of seals saving some Salmon damming the dam Dam, that this Brian Baird isn’t that Brian Baird, and the Federal Endangered Species Act shouldn’t be used against the Federal Marine Mammal Protection Act, especially when we’re in the middle of the Marine Life Protection Act- is that so hard to understand?

For EarthSourceMedia, this is joey racano saying, “Goonight and go with grace”. -ESM    

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