‘Bad Impression’

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EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 26th, 2008

‘Bad Impression’

Washington DC:

Last September, Al Qaeda may have discussed blowing up the New York City subways as a special gift to America for the holiday season. EarthSourceMedia opines we can take this FBI report one of two ways; the American brand of capitalism operates in such a fashion that we do exactly what we want, when we want. This makes people around the globe angry. Rather than alter our monstrous ways, we have opted instead to fashion our once-free country into a police state where the only goals are make money and keep safe. In response to this selfish and inconsiderate behavior, it was said by our enemies back in 1999 that if anyone really wanted to hurt America, the way to do it was to do everything possible to elect George W. Bush. One look at the present state-of-the-state shows how accurate that method of attack was. Among other things, this country’s finances are in a shambles. It is Osama Bin Laden who should have held up the ‘mission accomplished’ banner, not dibble dick Bush. So, if Al Qaeda does indeed blow up the subways for Christmas, it might just serve to keep Bush around longer, as he and Cheney declare a ‘state of emergency’ and refuse to relinquish power ‘for the country’s own safety’.

The second way to look at this possible threat is that it would be the Bush/Cheney cabal who would do the actual dirty deed, and pretty much for the same reason- to create the chaos needed to nix passing the torch over to the Barack Obama administration. The Obamanonians know this, and their meager defense is to appoint as many right-wingers as possible to the new cabinet. As EarthSourceMedia reported before the election, if it were close enough to steal, Bush would have stolen election #3 (from Gore, from Kerry, from Obama). But a nice little A-bomb on New York the day before the baton is passed would do just as well. In our opinion, the dismal, plummeting economy may actually be the one thing saving America from Bush and Cheney right now. They certainly have all the hooks in place to hold onto power otherwise. But, here at EarthSourceMedia, we still urge you to remain calm.  -ESM

Washington DC:

We all have our favorite shows. Ours was a cartoon called the ‘Jetsons’. The Jetsons were a normal American family living in the far future, where all household appliances were automated, cars floated around in the air, and going out to the drive-in might include a trip to the moon. A story in today’s Fresno Bee carries the ominous headline, ‘Bailout total nears $7 trillion’. If the Jetsons were still on the air, EarthSourceMedia would suggest a new episode showing George Jetson making the final payment, in the year 5200. Imagine the mirth of him handing that one last check over to the descendants of Wall Street fat cats. Of course, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The down side of paying off such a mega-debt is that there is only one way to actually raise the money; America must oversee the logging of all the forests in Siberia, help build 7,528,000 coal-fired power plants in China, digging up all the coal under Appalachia and sending it there, help India construct 2 new nuclear plants a day for 700 years, taking all the plutonium generated and storing 4 pounds of it in each American garage in special government-mandated ‘glow rooms’, and finally, recycle all our military’s m-14 rifles into plungers, and re-deploy our troops around the world to service the toilets of lender nations. That’s $7,000,000,000,000.00.

Georgia:

Senator Saxby Chambliss is in a tough election runoff and so he’s calling in Sarah Palin to campaign with him. Her presence is sure to bring the scary people out from under their rocks and in a hate-filled place like Georgia, it might just swing the election. EarthSourceMedia finds the timing just perfect, as the Arial wolf-shooting championed by Sarah just got underway yesterday. This lady spreads death and hate everywhere she goes and I’d hate to be her when Karma comes calling. In case anyone out there needs a litmus test as to how sick our society is, just think of how many Americans actually cast their vote for the McCain-Palin ticket. Yeesh.

More Georgiaphiles:

Rome, Georgia:

A former tennis pro named James Huskey pleaded guilty to being the mysterious masked man in a series of child porn videos giving a whole new meaning to ’16-love’. With both his tennis and acting careers now behind him, Mr. Huskey may get 70 years and a new boyfriend.

Kuala, Lumur:

The good ship Karma came a-sailing into town out on the high seas last week. It turns out that the ship sunk by the Indian Navy was a Thai fishing trawler, and not a Somali Pirate vessel, as suspected. Now, we here at EarthSourceMedia love Thai food as much as the next guy, but those trawlers are a barrel of trouble, scraping the ocean bottom, drowning sea turtles and dolphins and basically just fishing out the oceans forever. So, while EarthSourceMedia presents ten stupidstix to the Indian Captain, we also award him ten Caramel Karma Cakes as well.

Toronto, Canada:

John McCain supporter Jeb Assaf is so upset with Obama becoming president, he and other republicans are seriously considering leaving the country for Canada. As has been the case with the US and Mexico, Canadians are none-too-thrilled about poor Americans coming across their borders looking to work cheaper and harder while taking away jobs from residents. However, if republicans really want to leave America, they have EarthSourceMedia’s unwavering support. -ESM 

    St. Johns, Arizona:

Ever been in an embarrassing situation where you and others try to just act like nothing’s happened? You know, your favorite girl finally kisses you at a movie and you fart? Well that’s nothing compared to the 8-year-old who shot his dad and dad’s friend with a shotgun, and has been released from juvenile custody long enough to have Turkey with his mom for the holiday. EarthSourceMedia sees it something like this…

Mom: “Aw, johnny, it’s so good to have you home for the holiday”. 

johnny: “Me too mom”.

“Would you like some stuffing?”

“Sure mom. Mom, I’m sorry for killing dad and that fella. I don’t really even know why I did it. Pass the mashed potatoes?”

“Um, we still say please around here, Mister.”

“Please?”

“Sure, here ya go”.

“Thank you m’aam. Why did I do it mom, do you know?”

“Of course I know. Your father was a friggin’ brainless redneck who forced guns and violence on an 8-year old boy instead of love and nurturing. And that’ll do it johnboy, that’ll hella do it. Yams?”

“Yes’m”.

“Don’t you worry johnny, I’m only 35, we’ll get you a new daddy. Corn’s good, try a heap”.

“K mom. When I get outa juvie, can I help pick my new dad?”

”Course you can baby”.

“Thanks. Mom? You’re the best mom in the whole wide world!”

“Of course you can baby. But ya can’t shoot ‘im. Now do you want to say grace or shall I?”

“Hm. This is where I kinda miss the old tyrant”.

“I know johnny. Eat your bakers ‘fore they chill up, son”.

“Mom, do ya think dad’s watchin’ from heaven?”

“I’m sure he is”.

“Dad, I’m sorry I killed ye. It’s just that you were an ignorant s.o.b., but don’t be mad, I couldn’t stand it if ye got mad and all.”

“Eat your fixins, johnny, eat your fixins”.

Valentine, Nebraska:

Bad impression

Perhaps the new rash of children being abandoned in Nebraska isn’t the first time it’s happened. Mr. Tom Larvie has had 9 counts of public indecency filed against him for leaving greasy imprints of his backside -and sometimes his groin- on windows of stores, schools and churches all over Valentine starting in 2007. EarthSourceMedia won’t make light of a situation that could leave such a lasting impression on the kids. -ESM 

Dallas, Texas:

A young boy named Jordan McNair set out to create a christmas tree without killing a tree. He used 59 rotating transluscent globes filled with crushed aluminum, diapers, and rolled newspapers arranged in the shape of a tree. His environmentally conscious creation now sits in the front window of the flagship store of Neiman Marcus. EarthSourceMedia sends Jordan a hearty, ‘Way ta go!’

That’s news for November 26th so, this is joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying, when you gobble a Turkey, be very careful of what you are saying in turkey language! Goodnight and go with grace”.  -ESM

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Tags: neiman marcus, obama, john mccain, turkey, republicans leaving america, al qaeda, attack on new york subway, fbi, bush, cheney, sarah palin, saxby chambliss, somali pirates, indians sink thai trawler, bailout, al gore, john kerry, wall street, nuclear waste, coal fired power plants, nuclear plants, coal, us military, atomic bomb, the jetsons, fresno bee,

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