‘Thirst for Knowledge’

thirsty

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 23rd, 2008

‘Thirst for Knowledge’ 

Pakistan:

A story in todays New York Times reports of speculation by senior Pakistani officials that America has ulterior motives for having Pakistan fight ‘terror’ in their own country. On condition of anonymity, an official said Pakistan thinks that while they are searching for terrorists (out on a snipe hunt), America plans to steal their nuclear weapons. Their fears are justified- Pakistan is the only Muslim country with nuclear arms and many there say their worst fear is India and Afghanistan teaming up to fight Pakistan. EarthSourceMedia wonders if it would be worse for the world if those arms wound up in the hands of America- the only country that has ever used nuclear weapons on other human beings. Word out of the whitehouse is: ‘Silly muslims, nukes are for christians!’   In a special investigative foray, EarthSourceMedia did some real traveling and secured a brief but incredibly brilliant if disorienting soundbite from God. We present it here, in an ESM exclusive:

‘When I created the universe, the skys, heaven and earth, planets, quasars, galaxies, star clusters, pulsars, avatars, moons, rings, gaseous jets, black holes, nuetron stars, white dwarfs, red giants and supernovas, the first thing I noticed was the geography of North America, the lines delineating it’s borders and how closely its inhabitants and I were politically and ideologically aligned. I decided right from the stroke of- well, from the very first stroke, that this would be the start of something beautiful, just 21st Century North American white christians and me, their creator, highest ranking official, and, sure, biggest fan.  Amen.” -ESM

  Montebello, California:

‘Hungry fellow at Montebello’

It’s that time of year, when Americans give thanks for the blessings we have recieved. For some reason, someone named this holiday ‘Thanksgiving’. Of course, that was before the days of clever advertising campaigns, so it was good enough. And as for inspiration- there was so much to be thankful for! We killed the indians, got away clean with an entire stolen continent, snuffed their game animals, cut their forests, even brought entire languages to a dead end. And oh, those buffalo- bang bang! Yeah, there was a lot to be thankful for. And this tradition holds on, an integral part of our culture. Of course, even traditions like this are subject to the times, and so it was yesterday in the benevolent town of Montebello, where church groups held their annual food offerings to those in need. When the first few thousand showed up hungry and broke, it immediately became obvious that this was going to be no ordinary year. The people in power -likely supported by these very same church groups- had continued in that American frontier tradition of stealing and thieving to the point where families were trudging into Montebello by the thousands, stomachs growling. Workers were stunned and completely overwhelmed. The frozen turkeys ran out by 11:00 a.m. By 2:00 p.m., they were out of frozen pigeons, and by 4:00, you were lucky to get a frozen rat. The good news? Those pesky gays can’t marry in California, no one gets a portion of abortion, and we aren’t using them cells we call Stem cells. -ESM  

Iran:

In the first execution of an espionage case, Iran put to death a citizen-spy who gave secrets to Israel. Ali Ashtari, an electronics salesman, was hung Monday. EarthSourceMedia finds this kind of heavy handed justice to be inhumane. They could at least have electrocuted him. 

Guatemala:

‘Head of the prison’

Prisoners were transferred to another prison yesterday, resulting in a gang fight that killed 7 people, 5 of them beheaded. One of the heads was placed on a stick and was visible from outside the prison. A Los Angeles Times story says the guards soon had the prison ‘back in control’, but EarthSourceMedia thinks they were always in control, and transferred the prisoners as punishment. We are still investigating if there was any Cheney/Gonzales involvement. Stay tuned. -ESM

Houston, Texas:

‘Thirst for knowledge’

Astronauts are working to re-position a centrifuge on their $154 million dollar water recycling machine in order to make room on the space station for what will be a total of six crewmembers. Astronauts hope they have a solution for getting a pivotal piece of equipment working so it can convert urine and sweat into drinkable water and allow the international space station to grow to six crew members.

Michael Fincke. station commander, is in charge of the operation. EarthSourceMedia obtained a transcript of inter-department communications this morning. The conversation went thus:

Commander Fincke: Roger Houston Control, recycler ready!

Houston Control: Copy that, Commander. Report status please, over.

Commander Fincke: Drinking sweat at 0800 hours spacetime!

Houston Control: Copy that Commander. Anything further to report?

Commander Fincke: Roger, Houston.

Houston Control: What’s that, Commander?

Commander Fincke: Drinking Piss at 08:05 hours. Over.

Houston Control: Copy that. Well done. Now test the juicer.

Commander Fincke: Roger that, we have tested the juicer, over.

Houston Control: Report results Commander.

Commander Fincke: Roger Houston, reporting juicer is a ‘go’ and we are drinking sweat and piss. Station out’

end of transmission  -ESM (exclusive).

“And that’s the end of our transmission for today, so for EarthSourceMedia, this is joey racano saying, recycling of wastewater is less expensive and less energy intensive than desalination of seawater, and that’s a fact (see: www.oceanoutfallgroup.com). Oh, and shout out to Miley Cyrus. Goodnight, and go with grace”

editor, esm

 Technorati Profile

Tags: urine recycling, montebello, iran, iraq, space station, pakistan, nukes, pakistan nuclear weapons, seawater desalination, cheney, gonzalez, guatemala prison, astronauts, frozen turkey, miley cyrus, international space station, miley cyrus

3 Responses to “‘Thirst for Knowledge’”

  1. El Topolito says:

    Here are the redacted 14 minutes

    Houston Control: Initiate Protein shake sequence.

    Commander Fincke: Initiating sequence on 3, …. one…Two…Three!…,
    Sequence initiated Houston!…

    Crackle… Crunch -munch

    Houston Control: We are getting some unexpected sound readings, is
    there a malfunction in the equipment? Over.

    Commander Fincke: romger, Nyits omkay, I’m eating somef salt-m-water taffy-m.
    Omer.

    Houston Control: Hello, visiting crew member Oblamkov, we do not have
    the Russian translator present, please put Commander Fincke back on. Over.

    Commander Fincke: Nyits me, momander mink, emerytings morking. Woder amb out.

    Huston control to secure inside line: Get the Russian translator up here immediately, there is a problem. The Russians have taken over the space station.

    Russian Translator on Houston Control Line: Illich, Vazmir Trobko (Illich, pick up the receiver).

    Commander Fincke: Weddaminit amntryning to tak, Omer

    Russian translator to Huston command: Illich is, how you say, mad. He is using very bad language, insult to my mother, have no translation.

    Houston Control: This is bad, patch me to the Space Station Loading Dock.
    Houston Control: Space Station Loading Dock. This is Houston Control, any Personnel, Please respond. Over
    Major Tom: Roger, Houston, This is Major Tom. Over.
    Houston Control: Major Tom, There is a situation in the Spaceship command module, Specialist Oblamkov has taken over and may have harmed or disabled Commander Fincke.
    Major Tom: Illich? Roger, Houston, Negative. Specialist Oblamov is out on a space walk in a Pod, conducting an inspection of the Antenna. Are you sure the transmission was coming from the command module? Over.
    Roger: Was that for me?
    Major: No, Get back to your post.
    Houston Control: Major Tom, has the mutiny spread to the loading dock? Over. Report your status immediately. Over
    Major Tom: Mutiny? I mean, Roger! No there is no mutiny here. Over.
    Roger: Ok, I heard my name again. Stop hogging the receiver, Tom. Give it to me.
    Sounds of scuffles
    Houston Command: Come in Spaceship Loading Dock, Come in Major Tom. Over.
    Commander Fincke: Houston Command ? Situation is under control, we have completed Protein Shake Sequence and are awaiting orders. Over
    Houston Command: Thank God you’re alive, Commander Fincke. Secure Command Module hatches, and don’t open them for anyone.
    Hal 9000: Dave? Hold me, Dave

    Hal 9000

  2. admin says:

    You are a talented individual. Warped, but talented!

    Thanx for stoppin’ in;

    -ESM

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