‘Odds and Ends’

comeondown!

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 21st, 2008

 ‘Odds and Ends’ (a gameshow!)

Now, here’s your host: joey racano!

San Diego:

On a recent ride down the I-5 Freeway,  I noticed that the lights of the city of San Diego were astounding- huge skyscrapers bathed in lights of pastel gold. Now, a report has come out by the NRDC (Natural Resources Defense Council) showing that video game consoles are using up as much energy every year as San Diego, the worst culprit being Sony Playstation 3. Now, one would wonder, in these times of energy crunch and crisis, why we would allow so much juice to flow to something like recreational button-pushing? After all, with power plants dumping poisons into the air by the metric ton, and some still using ‘once through cooling’ seawater intakes, there is no doubt that production of such energy comes at a huge environmental cost.

The first quick thought would be the almighty dollar, of course. There is huge money to be made, selling children a joy stick that will rule their lives. But here at EarthSourceMedia, where it is our job to look deeper, even speculate wildly, we may see a more insidious reason. That joystick becomes a gun at age 18. And here you are, an 18 year old brain-dead video game freak, a ready-made soldier, and a mindless thoughtless remorseless push-button baby killer trained in the netherworlds of computer-generated mayhem. Next stop? Pakistan. Syria. Afghanistan, Iraq, Somalia. Maybe even get a position with Blackwater International. Hey, that’s a video game, isn’t it? Anyway, those lights, those flashing lights…those beeps, buzzes, clicking, whirring, lights…humming, ringing, shooting, blasting, those…lights…those…lights…red…blue green…orange..glowing…lights…you..are getting sleepy… you must kill…you love America….hate…terrorists…must kill….must kill….kill…kill….

Ahh, don’t get mad folks, you know its all true, don’t you? Relax- we’ll be right back after these words from our sponsor…

 comeondown!

 Welcome back! (applause)

New York:

The DOW lost 450 points late yesterday, crushing hopes of an economic rebound for those engaged in the planet-killing industries. EarthSourceMedia suggests that instead of giving 700 billion dollars from the poor to the wealthy, we might just turn things around by placing a $10.00 value on aluminum cans and beer bottles. Imagine it; downtrodden but good folks, rummaging through the trash, coming up with dirty faces, nicked-up fingers, a sour smell -and $1,400.00 dollars a night! No worries that the rich would get any of that money, they are far too snooty to go anywhere near a trash can. And there you have it, another EarthSourceMedia original. Stay tuned next week for, ‘spinning cigarette butts into gold’ or ‘making watches run forever on depleted uranium’.  -ESM

Washington DC:

‘Bush set to weaken wildlife protections’ reads the headline in yesterdays San Luis Obispo Tribune. EarthSourceMedia asks, and exactly what protections are we talking about here? Yes, yes, we here at ESM know all about the layer of government that makes sure dams and highways don’t pose athreat to endangered animals and plants. But, look around. Take a good look at your neighborhood. See any animals besides those pigeons starlings and seagulls? How ’bout trees? Sure, you have 9 oleanders and an over-trimmed palm. Where is the wild? Well, it’s underneath that Mervyns and Ross Dress-for-Less. So please, don’t tell me Bush is going to make things any worse. The environment is already nailed to the cold cross of development. -ESM

Avila Beach, California:

An 80 year old man was seriously injured Wednesday afternoon when the motorcycle he was riding crashed into another vehicle. So, EarthSourceMedia asks, ‘what’s wrong with this picture’? No way- we may get outrageous here at ESM, but we’re not touching this one.  

Anchorage, Alaska:

Sarah Palin is once again being investigated for improper ethics, this time for using her Governors office as a place to tape interviews about her further political aspirations. Apparently, officials already weary of her running for Vice President from her office in Alaska, are afraid she will announce a run for Queen of England. Speaking of crowns, here at EarthSourceMedia, we are currently undecided as to whom we shall crown this years ‘most vile she-devil’, Sarah Palin, Condi Rice or the singing prostitute of Eliott Spitzer fame.

“How’s that for fun!? We’ll be back after these important messages!”

 comeondown!

(Theme song and three, two, one:)Los Angeles, California:

Also today at ESM, we bring you the advertisement from page A25 of Thursday’s LA Times, where a 1/4 page ad tells of the new Barack Obama U.S. Presidential Dollar coin! Yes, that’s right folks, you too, can own a once-in-a-lifetime golden circular keepsake, to be cherished in this generation and passed on to the next- all the while glowing -and growing- in value! ‘A Milestone in Coin Collecting’ says the ad. ‘Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back! ‘ it says. And how much is that dollar coin going to cost you? Why, only $19.95! I’m not kidding you folks, you can get one of these red-hot coins for a mere twenty bucks! now if that don’t beat all. But don’t answer yet, because you may soon also be able to get:

* The Barack Obama wisk broom, perfect for any car, truck or bus- especially good if you lost your home to forclosure but managed to keep the family car in someone elses name

The Barack Obama bobble-head doll, great for showing your democratic pride on the dashboard (now with eyes that light up when you step on the brake!)

Barack Obama Refrigerator magnet, perfect for that post-Bush administration grocery list, example:

DINTY MOORE

TOP RAMEN

MAC & CHEESE

RICE

DAY-OLD BREAD

 Don’t wait, supplies are going fast, so- get yours today! Goooo, ‘Bama!!

(laugh track, cut to commercial  and two, one:)

comeondown!

 (lights, applause and…)

“We’re back! Now for the moment you’ve been waiting for, our special guest and the main storyline and…”

Washington DC:

Attorney General Michael Mukasey was delivering a speech to the Federalist Society at a Washington hotel when he started shaking and collapsed.

Now let’s play ‘Odds and Ends’ here at EarthSourceMedia

“First, let’s introduce our special guest today at ESM, ladies and gentleman, Paris Hilton!” (theme from peter gunn, wild applause, whistling)…

“Thank you for being here, Paris, and my-oh-my you do look fetching in those rhinestone leg-warmers!. Now let’s play, shall we? What are the odds this was a simple illness, or that Mr. Mukasey was poisoned intentionally?”

 (spin the dial, please Paris). *zizz-zizz-zizz-zizz *

“Well, Mukasey and sons were advisors on the presidential campaign of Rudy Guliani. Mukasey actually swore old Rudy in back in New York, and he must know a-plenty about the ‘inside’ goings on of 9-11. After all, Rudy did send in those fireman. Oh, and the photo ops! Cashed it in too, almost all the way to the Whitehouse.” (wheel stops). “Thankyou, Paris. Now let’s see, um, the dial shows Guliani may have known the buildings were going to be attacked, may have known they were actually brought down by charges, and all as part of Paul Wolfowitz’s ‘Project for a New American Century'” (kids: see “another pearl harbor“). “Mukasey may have had some inside knowledge about Guliani’s inside knowledge. So the dial says: (Beep-goink*doot-doot-doot-buzz*BEEP!) 64% chance he was poisoned!” (applause).

“OK Paris, spin that dial!” (wild applause, Paris smiles…)

*zizz-zizz-zizz-zizz-zizz-zizz*

Beep* goink*doot-doot*ooga horn) “Well, Mukasey almost didn’t become Attorney General because of his controversial views on torture- he supported it!” (crowd says: ooooohhhhh!’)

“So, the dial says- 75% chance he was intentionally poisoned!” (crowd goes wild, Paris waves, does ‘runway walk’, exits stage right, smiling) 

“Well, that’s ”Odds and Ends’ for today, so we’ll leave you with a transcript of Mr. Mukasey’s speech- enjoy!”

‘Good afternoon, I’m Mr. Mukasey, but Federalists can call me Mike. I come before you today to talk about the importance of torture methods used in the childrens section of Guantanamo, to keep our own children back here at home, safe from the evils of terrorism. I would like to thank….I would like to thank….I would also like to th-…ugghh…uggghh.. ahh- I’m alright, I’m alright…I’m…ahhhhhhhhhh………agggghhhhhhhhhhh……”

“Thank you for playing Odds and Ends with us at ESM, we do it every year!”

That’s news (and opinions) for today; from the tow-in surf at Mavericks, to the new underwater Marine Sanctuary at Davidson SeaMount, I’m joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying, goodnight, and go with grace”. ESM      

(wild applause, lights, theme, dancers, and –a gunshot!! OMFG!!)    

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Tags: paris hilton, depleted uranium, michael mukasey, bush, barack obama, davidson seamount, iraq, afghanistan, iran, somalia, syria, blackwater, sony playstation 3, san diego, los angeles times, san luis obispo, sarah palin, elliot spitzer prostitute, comdi rice, queen of england, mavericks, davidson seamount, marine sanctuary, rudy guliani, 9-11, mervyns, ross dress for less, video game, killer                                                                                                                     

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