‘The Dirty Dozen’

kids on the skids

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 17th, 2008

Ecuador:

In a long and drawn out fight for dignity and environmental justice in a remote region of the Amazon, Chevron is trying to outlast native peoples in Ecuador, who say the oil giant has soiled their ancestral lands. “I’ve lost 30 cows”, said farmer Abel Garrido. “I cut them open and their insides are black”. This statement worries us here at EarthSourceMedia, because we fear Mr. Garrido may have accidentally cut open the chest of a Chevron executive and seen his heart.

Canada:

Each year sees a new version published of the Collins English dictionary, and with each new issue come new words. Next years new word will be ‘Meh’, meaning boredom, mediocrity and indifference. In our blog, we have decided to use it in this context: ‘We elected a democrat; now we have to take our mehdicine”. -ESM

San Luis Obispo, California:

Environmental Guru Bill Deneen suggested in a SLO Tribune letter to the editor that since the Mormon Church immersed itself in politics by monetarily supporting anti-gay marriage bill ‘Proposition 8’, they should forfeit their tax-exempt status. EarthSourceMedia agrees.

USA Today:

Postal workers are feeling the brunt of the economic crash, with some losing their jobs as staff is cut, postal rates rise, and hours and routes are trimmed. EarthSourceMedia sheds no tear for the postman, who acts as the eyes and ears of big brother. Who else knows every single name at every single address? I lost my love for the postal service a few years back during the ‘bird flu’ scare. Birds of industry, such as egg producing chickens, are particularly vulnerable to bird flu due to their shallow gene pool. Wild birds are more resistant because they have wide genetic diversity. Avian agriculture, seeking to protect its multi-billion dollar industry from bird flu, complained to the government that pet birds might pose a threat. So the government utilized postal workers, ordering them to report back to their superiors news of any family pet bird who looked sick or suspicious. The result was, many homes recieved visits from agriculture officials asking to see their birds, and many were euthanized on the spot. Of course, many of these were parrots who had been in the family for 20 or more years, and the resulting heartache and rage caused the agriculture industry to send trauma councilers out along with the bird euthanasia teams. Also, in the event of pandemic, postal workers are now on standby to deliver -along with armed guards- vaccines to households. This kind of shit scares the hell out of me. Sic ’em, Fido!

   Trenton, New Jersey:

Inmates have recently given the word cell phone a whole new meaning. Now, authorities have introduced their new weapon against cell phones in prison- the cell phone-sniffing dog! State Prison officials are battling back against prisoners hiding illegal cellphones, which can be used to direct ‘hits’ out on the street. Trainers are still working on getting the dogs to respond to commands like, “Please deposit 35 cents for the first three minutes” and, “Your call cannot be completed as dialed, please check the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance”. 

   North Dakota:

The Standing Rock Sioux are building  a multimillion dollar wireless cell phone network that will serve 116,000 customers. Tribe officials said their reservation was in a dead zone. In a phone interview with EarthSourceMedia, they said, “We are o excit d to have gotten a chan   e  to build   ese new pho   owers   to increase recep    ion   ankyou.”

 Berkeley, California:

A trainer was killed when the thoroughbred he was walking got spooked and flipped over, crushing him to death at Golden Gate Fields racetrack. Racetrack publicity manager Tom Ferrall said fatal accidents at the track were very rare. EarthSourceMedia has calculated the odds at 25:1 or with under and over betting about 3-5.

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba:

Dirty Dozen

New information has surfaced revealing the number of children held at the American concentration camp at Guantanamo is at least 12, higher than previously divulged. It also has come to light that some inmates were shackled -so that any movement would cut them- for up to ten hours on the floor of refrigerated compartments. Many of these people were held for years and released without ever having been charged. EarthSourceMedia has studied a photo taken of the front gates of the prison, and have determined that a sign saying ‘CAMP JUSTICE’ actually reads CAMP JUST US. The clue was that we were observed to be killing people of other races and religions to the point where JUST US would eventually remain. Simple, really.

Sacramento, California:

A Fairfield priest has apologized for announcing to the congregation last week that a car with Obama stickers should be moved out of the church parking lot. Rev. Sebastion Meyer, pastor of Our Lady of Mount Carmel Catholic Church read an apology at all the churches masses. No wonder they always call him ‘Sabastard’. -ESM

  Fresno, California:

Fresno is no stranger to confusion. People here are so right wing they can’t tell if they are in 21st century America or 1939 germany. But Fresno’s new lady Mayor, has been causing even more confusion due to her unusual name. Mayor Ashley Swearengin has been on the phone for days trying to complete her transition team, but continually has to convince folks she has already been sworn in and isn’t in the process of swearengin. Asked if the frustration would cause her to lash out verbally, she replied, “Probably- it’s a great office to be swearing in”.

I’m joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying, “From the homes that were foreclosed, to the stores that are all closed, goodnight, and go with grace”  -ESM

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Tags: children at guantanamo, foreclosure, racetrack fatality, mayor swearengin, fresno mayor, move obama car, catholic church,  camp justice, wireless cellphone network, inmates, postal workers, bird flu, vaccine, chevron, lawsuit, earth, source, media

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