‘The Best Laid Plans…’

Say goodnight, Jimmy! 

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 15th, 2008

‘The Best Laid Plans…’ 

Washington:

The Supreme Court is going to hear a case that will decide whether or not ‘Hillary: The Movie’ can be released or regulated under campaign laws. Here at EarthSourceMedia, we are no great fans of the Clintons for reasons various and sundry, but could probably narrow it down to ‘she voted for the war’. However, we are not oblivious to a seemingly never-ending smear campaign akin to a ‘vast right wing conspiracy’ against Hillary. Fact is, the neocons fear Hillary Clinton. She has more leadership qualities than any republican with the possible exception of California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and a masterful command of domestic and foreign policy. Of course, after Oliver Stone’s movie, ‘W’, republicans are chomping at the bit. ESM sees no small irony in that Hillary’s reputation may be saved by the McCain-Feingold Act. McCain-Feingold requires political groups to reveal who paid for ads, and forbids any corporate-funded broadcast ads attacking a candidate within a month of a primary or general election. Now Russ Feingold, he would make a great president! -ESM

Washington:

Despite pleas from President-Elect Obama, powerful democrats are howling for turncoat Joe Lieberman to be removed as Homeland Security Committee Chair. We here at EarthSourceMedia don’t like to get involved in the squabbles of the two-party system, but when you consider Joe was once the Democratic Party’s Vice Presidential Candidate- oy-vey! The Man’s a shysterOut on his tookas!

 South Carolina:

Father Jay Scott Newman wrote a letter to parishioners last week warning their souls may be at risk. He told them not to take holy communion without doing repentance if they voted for Obama because of Obama’s views on abortion. EarthSourceMedia has completely discounted rumors Father Newman wrote a letter rather than tell parishioners in person because he was out shopping for lingerie with two altar boys.

West Virginia:

U.S. veterans were allowed to camp free at Monongahela National Forest for Veterans Day. 500 vets entered the forest, but only 435 exited the following day, leading authorities to send recon patrols in search of the missing campers. So far there have been sightings of camoflauged abandoned campsites, booby traps, and at least one ‘Rambo’-like’ woodsman. Six recon patrols have never returned. 

Global:

The United Nations reported Thursday that a mile-thick haze is surrounding the world and is cutting sunlight by 25% in some places. EarthSourceMedia predicts the Bush administration will want America to adapt, and invest in mushroom farming.

Antarctica:

Lost and Found

Coral Reefs have been found in the cold waters of Antarctica, surprising scientists. Unfortunately, these frigid waters absorb more carbon dioxide than do warmer waters, which is causing acidification of the ocean to occur more rapidly than elsewhere. This means these newly discovered reefs will be the last ones found and the first ones lost.

Frederick, Maryland:

A 19-year old woman on her way to an airport restaurant walked too close to an airplane and had her arm severed by the propeller. Why would anyone walk within 10 feet of a loud, dangerous, moving propeller? We at EarthSourceMedia don’t know. We do know however, that next time her teacher asks, ‘How many here are careless and dumb?” she won’t be raising her hand. 

Nebraska:

‘The best laid plans of mice and men…’

On October 29th, it was announced that Nebraska State lawmakers would re-write the controversial ‘safe-haven’ law that was designed to help kids, but backfired, resulting in a rush of child abandonments to beat the deadline. In our usual groundbreaking fashion, EarthSourceMedia presents this story in screenplay format -enjoy!

Setting: Early morning rush hour in Nebraska, just outside city hall

“C’mon Jimmy, get your shoes on and get ready to go, we’re almost there. Here- here’s an apple and a banana, put ’em in your backpack.”

“But mom- did you bring any bottled water?”

“I forgot- here’s a milk container, they have a bathroom, fill it up- oh, duck down, duck down, there’s..‘oh, hi, Mrs. Ferguson, how are you?”

“Hello Mrs. Cox. How is our Jimmy doing? He hasn’t been to class, is he ill?”

“Uh, he, uh, no, he- he moved to Florida to live with his cousin Poindexter”.

(whisper- mom!!??)

(whisper- you shuddup and stay down there, don’t embarrass me! You wanted nintendo? These people will give you nintendo!)

“Florida? Jimmy hates Florida. And his cousin Poindexter-he told me! I can’t imagine..”

“I’m sorry Mrs, Ferguson, I really do have to get to work”.

“Your work is in the other direction Mrs. Cox, is something wrong?”

“I have to go, I’ll tell him you said hello- Jimmy always liked your class! Goodbye!”

“Oh, Mrs. Cox, what the hell- I’m just here dropping off Jennifer before the deadline- Jennifer, get your shoes on!”

“But mom..! I didn’t bring my makup bag or my switchblade. You don’t care about me!”

“Oh, allright, Jimmy, say hello to Mrs. Ferguson- and goodbye to Mrs. Ferguson”.

“Hello Mrs. Ferguson”.

“Hello Jimmy”.

“Goodbye, Mrs. Ferguson, I always liked your class”.

“Goodbye Jimmy.”

“Hello Jenny, how are you?”

“Hello Mrs. Cox, I’m good, I’m good”.

“Goodbye Jimmy, it was always fun having you, great questions, really, no I mean that”.

“Goodbye Mrs. Cox”.

:Goodbye Jennifer, take care- oh look, it’s Mr. Bellidore, how are you?”

“Oh I’m fine, but I’m kind of in a hurry to…”

Drop off Todd and susan? Dropping off the twins?”

“Well, with the mortgage and all, it’s for the best I think”.

“Oh, I completely understand. Hi susan, hi Todd!”

“Hi Todd, Hi sue-”

“Hey Jimmy, Jennifer, how are you? What are you doin’ tonight?”

“”Well, I dunno, we’re kind of gettin’ dropped off and all, but”

Awesome! Us too!- Bye mom, bye Mr. Bellidore”

“Bye son, bye Mrs. Ferguson, Mrs. Cox”!

“Goodbye”.  

And goodbye from us too! For EarthSourceMedia, I’m joey racano saying, Goodnight and go with grace”. -ESM

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Tags: nebraska abandonment, joe lieberman, powerful democrats, president elect obama, safe haven law, coral reefs, ocean acidification, rambo, veterans, national parks, hillary clinton, russ feingold, john mccain, supreme court, governor arnold schwarzenegger, united nations, hillary the movie, bush administration, haze cutting sunlight

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