‘The Sun Never Sets on the American Empire’

noise abatement

EarthSourceMedia reports for November 10th, 2008

‘The Sun Never Sets on the American Empire’

Washington DC:

That poor, misunderstood insurance giant American Insurance Group, known affectionately as ‘A.I.G., (as in, ‘Gee whiz’) need fret no longer. Our government has reached a deal to nix the $123 billion dollar bailout, and upped it to $150 billion. Apparently, the sight of those poor wealthy execs quivering out in the cold, lips purpling, dirt on their little faces- it was just too much. The details are expected to be released today when the company will report third quarter earnings. Taxpayers, who will foot the bill, were quoted as saying, “Here ya go, little guy, aww, here’s another 27 billion, there.  

World:

To nobody’s surprise, it has come to light that American military forces have been operating in more places than had previously been divulged. As a result of hard pressure from then-Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, George W, Bush signed an order in 2004, allowing U.S. forces to attack ‘Al-Qaeda’ pretty much anywhere, with no further authority needed. This resulted in the United States military ‘working’ with the CIA in up to 20 countries around the globe. For example, in 2007, a C-130 missile was dropped on a remote fishing village near the Kenyan border. But not to worry- U.S. commandos and ethiopian troops were on scene within a few hours, examining the rubble, checking for ‘Al-Qaeda’. The sun never sets on the American empire. Let’s hope it doesn’t set too many times before the war crimes trials begin. -ESM

Coronado, California:

The public is being notified to expect an increase in Fighter jet traffic in the skies over North Island Naval Air Station in the next week or so for Military training exercises. Anyone with complaints about jet noise may call the bases ‘noise-abatement hotline’ at (619) 545-8233 (actual number).

EarthSourceMedia expects a typical call to go like this:

R-r-r-r-ring! R-r-r-r-r-r-ring! R-r-r-r-r-ring! R-r-r-r-ring! R-r-r-ring! Ra-ra-ra-R-r-r-ring! (Can I get a) R-r-r-r-ring! R-r-r-r-ring!

“Abatement hotline, thank you for calling!…”

“HELLO?? IS ANYBODY THERE HELLO? THESE JETS ARE SO LOUD I CANT TELL IF YOU’RE…”

“..can’t come to the phone right now so if you’ll leave your…”

“THE GLASS IN MY HUTCH JUST SHATTERED, OH LORD, IS ANYONE THERE? HELLO? LORDY MY! HELLO?”

“…to serve you from Mondays through saturdays between the hours of..”

!@%#! WAS MY GREAT GREAT GRANDMOTHERS AND CAN NEVER BE REPLACED HELLO?

“…and keeping you safe…you for understanding, goodbye” (De-De-De-de-de-de-de…)

Jerusalem:

The Church of the Holy Sepulcher yesterday became the church of the ‘holy christ, what are you idiots doing in there?’ for a short time, as Israeli police were called to one of christianity’s holiest places to break up a fight between Armenian and Greek Orthodox monks. EarthSourceMedia sees much irony in fighting at the place where the Prince of Peace was crucified, buried and ressurected, and also in calling Israelis to come and make peace.

Lexington, Virginia:

Vice President Dick Cheney told 3,000 people yesterday the transition between presidential administrations “would be smooth”. In his address before the Military Institute of Virginia, he told cadets, “Those who hate America are no match for those who love America”. EarthSourceMedia notes that such military acadamy’s are the only places where neocon dinosaurs like Cheney -reviled throughout the world- can any longer safely appear in public. As for Cheney’s departure, we also agree the transition will be smooth- perhaps even ‘slimy’.  -ESM

Evanston, Illinois:

Police have found a 90 year old woman living in a house with the long-dead bodies of her three siblings, some believed to have been deceased ‘since the early 80’s’. No foul play is suspected. When told by police her siblings had died, the woman said, “Ohhhh- everybody’s been so quiet- and they all looked so skinny!”. -ESM

Monterey, Mexico:

A woman lawyer who represents the very worst of drug-trafficking criminals has recieved many threats and has been shot many times. She has recovered from wounds to her head, lung, stomach and buttocks. She is however, just doing her job, and -judging from all the drug violence in the streets of Mexico- seems to be good at it. Perhaps she might be considered to defend members of the Bush cabal, if and when congress musters the intestinal fortitude (guts) to develop ongoing investigations into actual prosecution. Good lawyers are hard to find- just ask former President Bill Clinton, whose lawyer -I. Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby- is no longer practicing.

That’s our news for November 10th, 2008-

From the gaseous compartments of submarine suffocation, to the oiled arches of national park nullification, I’m joey racano for earthSourceMedia saying, ‘Goodnight, and go with grace” -ESM 

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Tags: aig, american insurance group, submarine suffocation, national park drilling, bush, clinton, libby, cheney, rumsfeld, church of the holy sepulcher, al-qaeda, american military, cia, covert ops

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