Archive for November, 2008

‘I Pledge Allegiance’

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

obey!

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 30th, 2008

‘I Pledge Allegiance…’ 

Shalamcha, Iraq:Iran and Iraq resumed exchanging the remains of 241 war dead who perished in their 1980-1988 war, after the exchange had been interrupted by the U.S. led invasion of 2003. Anyone who knows their middle east recent history will remember Saddam got his ass kicked in both conflicts. Although a tyrant among his people, he was often defeated dealing with outsiders. One interesting event unfolded when U.S. oil companies taught Kuwait ‘slant drilling’. They sucked Iraq’s oil dry from across the their border! Saddam, of course, got angry and called for a meeting with the United States. At the time, Saddam was often engaged in arms deals with America (he and Donald Rumsfeld were photographed sealing one such deal with a handshake). So a meeting was indeed granted. Hussein asked how the U.S. would feel about an Iraqi invasion of Kawait. Then-U.S. President George H. Bush sent a lady diplomat to meet with Saddam. She told him, “The United States has no opinion one way or another”. Reassured the mighty U.S. was uninterested, Saddam attacked Kuwait, and Bush #1 immediately used it as an excuse to start the first Iraq war, saying, “He’s gonna get his ass kicked“.  Bush #2 was still probably high on cocaine yet, and hiding from duty in the Texas Air National Guard.Ah, a tangled web, this ‘Speak truth to youth!’ business is, si?  Here at EarthSourceMedia, we give Iraq and Iran seven stupidstix for exchanging dead peoples remains when what they should have done was make the exchange while the people were still living. -ESM

Pakistan:

‘Airstrike of the day’‘Airstrike kills 2 near border’, says the headline in todays LA Times. Please allow ESM to translate: ‘Near the border’ means, near it, but freakin’ over it. In other words, inside Pakistan. Bombing Pakistan. Or as AT&T would say, ‘reaching out and touching someone’ in Pakistan. Killing people in Pakistan. -ESM 

Washington:

A Congressionally-ordered study has concluded that the threat of biological terrorism is growing. A to-be-released-this-week study shows that terrorists may one day soon create synthetic versions of such dastardly demons as Ebola, or germs genetically modified to be vaccine and antibiotic resistant. EarthSourceMedia agrees with this spot-on study. We didn’t have to wait for the results though. While the study concentrates on telling the next administration it must do more to keep viruses out of the wrong hands, we think it would be wiser if the United States would stop promoting domestic labs that are keeping such terrible germs alive and experimenting to make them more dangerous. In fact, the number of ‘high-containment’ labs inside the United States has tripled since 2001. 2001- sound familiar? It makes us feel a lot safer though, knowing that former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld (wanted for war crimes in France) has stock in a vaccine corporation.

EarthSourceMedia suggested reading: ‘The Stand’ by Stephen King. Suggested watching: ”V is for Vendetta’, the movie.

Besmaya Range Complex, Iraq:

“So, there’s a Jew, an Italian, a Polack, and a German in an airplane…

“On the job training, that’s what we like here at EarthSourceMedia. No bones about it, if you give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, however, and you feed him forever. And so it is with those pesky ‘IED’s’ (Improvised Explosive Devices). Let’s face it, you really aren’t helping anyone if you get yourself blown up by a roadside bomb for them. If you really want to help them…

Now that Iraq’s ‘Parliament’ has agreed to allow the U.S. to stay in Iraq for at least three more years, U.S. military forces are pretending they are leaving soon, and have started teaching Iraqi forces how to disarm roadside bombs. Of course. the truth is, it’s costing the U.S. too much money to care for all the soldiers coming back home looking like a second base bag (no arms or legs) from IED’s, so we are letting the Iraqi’s do the close-up stuff. Here’s a transcript from a recent disarmament-“Ashdagh, see that big can with the wires down there near the side of the road? Go over there- take these pliers- listen to the ticking, you’re ok as long as it keeps ticking.”tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick”I gnow i gan do it””Yeah, yeah, you can do it Ashdagh, go on now”.tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick”Diz? Like diz?”tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick”No, no, Ashdagh, a little bit to the…””tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick”Like diz?”tick-tick-ti……*B-O-O-M!* “Dammit Ashdagh! OK, Semghev, your turn, geddup here!”

New York:

Watching a surveillance tape, police saw a sign of an economic upturn, as a soon-to-be trampled-to-death Wal Mart worker waited -a bit too close- to the front doors, about to open at 5:00 a.m. in Valley Stream New York. The film clearly showed that retailers fears of a slow Black Friday were completely unfounded as the store loudspeaker began it’s countdown, and the glassy-eyed crowd caused the stores huge double-plate glass front doors to swell and bend with each passing second-

10   9   8   7   6

 “Jdimytai,  (we shit you not, that was his real name-ESM), Jdimytai, get the fuck out of there!”

5   4 

“I’ll bee ullride, aw-k, aw-k”

3   2

  “Jdimytai, get out-!”

2  1  0

“I’ll be ogay, I’ll be ‘AhahahahahahahahahahahhhhGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHRRRG!!!”

The sheer ferocity of this stampede, which also left a metal door frame bent like an accordian, points up the economic progress this country is showing in time for the holiday season. Police also say the video shows how useful ’round-the-clock cameras are and hope they will soon be everywhere. -ESM

Alexandria, Pennsylvania:

The Reverend George Docherty, credited with forcing congress to insert ‘Under God’ into the pledge of allegiance, has died at 97 years old. EarthSourceMedia considers this very good news, because as the dinosaurs of ignorance die out, our chances for survival as a civilization increase. Of course, now that Mr. Docherty is dead and finished screwing with our country’s pledge of allegiance, we here at EarthSourceMedia would like to see the following language inserted into his epitaph-

Here lies a wretched control freakonly satisfied

when his own psychotic beliefs were pried into

 the pledge and forced uponAmerican kids

for a century after his death

That’s it for today here at EarthSourceMedia, where we’d like to thank everyone for helping us set a new record for ‘hits’ on the website last week. Goodnight, and go with grace”

.our founder

our founder

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Tags: reverend george docherty, pledge of allegiance, george bush, kawait, slant drilling, iraq, iran, surveillance, disarmament, under god, congress, stampede, black friday, economy, us military, wal mart, valley stream, iraqi parliament, saddam, us led invasion, us oil companies

‘I’d Rather Have Dan’

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

crucifix in corner

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 29th, 2008

‘I’d Rather Have Dan’

Must be the holiday thing; all kinds of unusual goings-on in the news world and no shortage of it here at EarthSourceMedia. Take the president. Please. And send in a left-leaning populist like Kucinich. I don’t care if he’s seen a UFO. So have I. I’ll have to tell that story sometime. But here’s something a little ‘easier’ to believe: a report from the peanut gallery a few days back concluded people who pray a lot live longer. Of course, some would see this as psuedo-proof that prayers are answered by their diety-of-choice, because everyone wants to live longer and so, prayers answered. But here at EarthSourceMedia, it’s our self-appointed masochistic job to delve deeper, to approach from just outside the accepted paradigm. So we look at it like this: That dirty rat of a God. That cheater! It’s always been ‘known’ by psychotics that he’s got a jealous streak a mile long, but now we find out he lets people who pray live longer– intentionally delays their ascent to heaven, postponing their ecstasy! I’m sorry, but that’s just not right. C’mon, God, give them what they deserve. -ESM

On with the show:

short takes:

Washington: Bush says the United States is behind India in the wake of the attacks. Here at EarthSourceMedia, we say, oh, the US was behind it alright.

Mumbai: First hand reports of that attack (death toll now at 195) say a gunman ‘was smiling’ as he fired. I don’t know about you, but when I’m that close to 21 virgins, I smile too.

Bangkok, Thailand: Media reports say a grenade has wounded 34 protesters. Those grenades must be made by the US- they’re supposed to wound at least 35.

Washington: Faced with an unprecedented deficit of over a trillion dollars when he takes office next year, Barack Obama stated in the nations papers he was going to ‘slash federal spending’. This caused great alarm at the home of Fed Spending, a fishing boat operator from Appalachiacola, Florida. “If I’d known he was violent, I wouldn’t’ve voted for ‘im”, said Mr. Spending.

Sacramento, California: A guest who had imbibed a few too many drinks at a holiday party, grabbed a knife and began attacking fellow party-goers. The chaos came to a halt when a quick-thinking guest subdued him by beating him with a large candy-cane lawn ornament. Police concluded it was self defense, and the ‘candyman’ was not charged.

Fallbrook, California:

A Mr. Jim Hayes wrote in to the Los Angeles Times, asking why the KKK (Ku Klux Klan) weren’t referred to as terrorists more often in the press. We here at EarthSourceMedia can answer that one for you, Mr. Hayes. On a recent outing, I wound up stopping to use a restroom at an ‘Applebees’ restaurant. While waiting, I noticed the stores entryway was lined with many framed photos- all of members of police, fire and military organizations, and all in uniform. Always alarmed at our country’s hard-right turn, I mentioned this to my girl when I got back to the car. ‘That’s a nazi place’ I exclaimed. Then a few nights ago, a guest on the Conan O’brien Show touted a book he had written about ‘americana’, telling how he infiltrated everything from McDonalds to white supremacists groups to research the book. “White supremacists? How’d you meet them?” asked O’brien.

“I met them at ‘Applebees'”, he answered. “That’s where they do their recruiting”.

So, the answer, Mr. Hayes, is the KKK aren’t often referred to as terrorists because they are mainly made up of those people we associate with fighting terrorism. (Incidentally, I can’t tell you how much joy I get knowing these people are secretly steaming from the ears over a black president having been elected). Anyway, here at EarthSourceMedia, we have a sure-fire way of identifying terrorists- terrorists are basically all the people who say they are fighting terrorism. -ESM

Montgomery Township, New Jersey:

“Keep your head down!- he’ll see you!”

“I’ll take the flank- Mills, Bickerson, you take the back- we’ll flush this turkey out!”

After trying to make contact with a  bankrobber by telephone and using a bullhorn, a SWAT team ended an hours long standoff when they entered the bank and found out that the person seen through a window was actually a cardboard cutout. -ESM

  Bloomington, Illinois:

Zoo officials are selling holiday ornaments made from dried reindeer feces at the zoo gift shop. Marketing Director Susie Ohley calls them, “magical reindeer gem ornaments”. A glob of reindeer shit goes for $5.00. 

In the News:

‘I’d Rather have Dan’

TV News great Dan Rather, the only man with the balls to go after Bush when the country was plummitting headlong into fascism, was fired by his network to quell republican criticism of a ’60 Minutes’ segment Rather did about how George W. Bush recieved favorable treatment during a stint in the National Guard. The fact that Rather was unceremoniously dismissed by CBS despite his legendary stature points up the dark abyss America had fallen into, reminiscent of 1939 Germany. Now that the world has gotten wise to the nonsensical ‘war on terror’ (with a little push from the Bush cabal’s looting of the country), the tide may be turning. Rather apparently has come up with evidence to support his assertion that CBS investigated and dismissed him for political reasons. Go Dan!

 joey racano

our founder

That’s our show for tonight, so I’m joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying, “Goodnight and go with grace”.  -ESM

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Tags: dan rather, mumbai, terrorism, police, fire, military, aplebees, conan obrien, dennis kucinich, republican, cbs, kkk, grenades, thai protesters, bangkok, national guard, george w bush, reindeer, mcdonalds, tv anchor, white supremacists, swat, bullhorn, ufo

‘Bonneville be Dammed’

Friday, November 28th, 2008

remove!

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 28th, 2008

 ‘Bonneville be Dammed’

ESM mini-editorial/screenplay:

The following is a work of fiction, written, designed and posted for entertainment purposes only. Any names or similarities to persons, agencies, governments or institutions is purely coincidental and don’t mean a goddam thing.

-editor, EarthSourceMedia, -08

(September, 2008.  Three dark figures meet on the shore of the Ganges. Two in western suits, one in flowing traditional Hindian garb)

Azhdi Solamanaker: “Meezder Chenie, Meezder Roove, eed eez goo’d do zee yoo’ agayn

Dick Chenie: “Always a pleasure, Mr. Solamanaker. Our nation is grateful for being allowed to provide Hindia with the nuclear tools you need to make progress towards safety and prosperity. What can we do for you this time?”

 Azhdi Solamanaker: “Wale, eed eez obvious to the Krazha that our country now needs to develop its natural reezourzes to insure that prosperity. However, our peoples are not zo zure and we need help in convinzing dem. Can you pleeze show us the way that you convinzed your own peoples to go from free to polize state in the few short time zinze 9/11?”

Dick Chenie: “Certainly, Mr. Solamanaker. Tell the esteemed Krazha that in order to whip the citizens of Hindia into line, your people must first feel the ferocious snap of terrorism, biting them right on their own doorstep, as Americans did in 2001.”

Azhdi Solamanaker: “And whaddoo you zuggest, kind sir? How can Hindia’s people feel this ferocity in a timely manner?”

Dick Chenie: “Karl, educate old Azhdi here, will ya?”

Karl Roove: : You bet. Mr. Solamanaker, for a tidy fee, our Blackwater organization will-”

Azhdi Solamanaker: “Ah yez, Blackwater- the ‘dark and wet onez“.

Karl Roove: “…will descend on Mumbai -covertly, of course- and create the terror your great country needs to awaken its sleeping peoples to the advantages of obedience and monocultural living. Just say the word and we’ll make the call that’ll do it all. All we’ll need from the Krazha is an exclusive no-bid contract for Halliburton to build 50 nuclear power plants in Hindia at a cost of, say, heefteen hillion dollars?”.

Azhdi Solamanaker: “Zo eet eez done“.

*R-r-r-r-r-ing! R-rr-r-ring!*

BWI: “You have reached the offices of Blackwater International. Please listen closely to the following options, as our menu has recently been changed in order to serve you better. If this is a life threatening emergency, hang up now, and dial 9-1-1. Otherwise, stay on the line and choose from the following choices;

If you are experiencing an uprising and need to shut your airports, press 1 now. 

If a woman named ZBhutto is about to be elected and you need an assasination, press 2 now.

If your president just stole an election but noone will listen to him anyway because he looks like howdy-doody and you want to transform a free state into a police state by blowing up two very tall center-of-commerce skyscrapers, press 3 now.

If you’ve lost a ship to Somali pirates and want us to blow up a fishing boat, press 4 now.

If you want…(beeeeep) Please hold the line, a representative will…(beeeep!) “Blackwater International, ‘no coot too old to shoot’, how may I direct your call?”

Dick Chenie: “Alright Azdhi, go back to your Krazha and tell him everything will be taken care of- just be ready to storm some buildings with your SWAT, and have those nuke contracts signed in an hour”.

Azhdi Solamanaker: “Dank yoo’ dankyoobeddymach. From deez day on, Mumbai weel live in glory forever!”

‘This has been an EarthSourceMedia dramatization only. If the American government actually were responsible for 97% of the worlds terrorism, you would have been given directions toward the nearest fallout shelter and directed to place your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye’. -ESM

Point Magu, California:

Anyone who’s driven on Pacific Coast Highway along the rugged Central Coast of California can attest to the unforgiving nature of the mighty pacific, as it caresses the shoreline there with all the grace of a sledgehammer. Surfers have their own code of rules for dealing with it, including rule #1 -‘never turn your back on the ocean’. But with the enormous amount of tourist traffic and the scant brains within the heads of some holiday travelers, every year we see the same tragic story unnecessarily repeated- sightseers get swept to their deaths, off the rocks and out to sea. This Thursday, 5 young men stood atop the famous Point Magu oggling at the dangerously beautiful Pacific when a huge wave dragged them into the ocean. Two survived. EarthSourceMedia has obtained a transcript of what the 5 men were saying in those last fateful moments:

“Hey, look at that! OMG, it’s beautiful!”

“Yeah, and check out those – wow! Didi you see how high that wave came up? Wow!”

“Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, wow! Ha ha ha!”

“Ha ha ha- hey, look at this one, it’s huge!”

“Ha ha ha ha!”

“Oh shit, it’s…”

Austin, Texas:

A story published in the journal ‘Current Biology’ tells of scientists finding a new species of slimy one-celled creature that moves by rolling itself along on the ocean floor, and leaves a weird trail. “We now have to rethink the fossil record” said Mikhail V. Matz of the University of Austin Texas. EarthSourceMedia wonders if further scientific analisys will show some link to slimes Cheney Rumsfeld Rice or Rove. -ESM 

Valley Stream, New York:

In an unbridled orgy of hedonistic consumption, Americans enjoyed ‘Black Friday’, a yearly event in which stores open early and retailers unload products at a savings to consumers. With shoppers particularly rabid this yuletide season, doors opened at the Wal-Mart in Valley Stream, Long Island at 5:00 a.m. and by 6:00 a.m., shoppers had trampled a 34 year old Wal Mart worker to death.

Brazil:

In a pitched battle to save the forests from desperately poor people who are cutting it down, government forces arrived a few days after the illegal loggers ransacked  government offices and chased environmental protection agents out of town. Led by the Environmental  Minister of Brazil, a huge government force took the town back and closed down illegal timber mills. Here at EarthSourceMedia, we believe it will take confrontation at this level to save our own temperate rain forests, something that is not likely to happen due to the stranglehold developers and the extraction industry have on our political system.

Afghanistan:

Production of poppies in Afghanistan is down 6% this year, cutting into the American government’s profitable business of selling drugs to our inner city youth. Natural forces, such as drought, have driven up the price of wheat and other foods, making them almost as lucrative to grow as poppies. Afghanistan provides 95% of the worlds opium-based drugs, like heroin. These drugs are mainly sold in the US. Now do you know why we are in Afghanistan?  

Washington:

The headlines scream ‘Electronic attack on Pentagon may have originated in Russia’. Not likely. EarthSourceMedia thinks it is much more likely that cyber-attacks on the Pentagon originate in the Bush administration, who use any cyber-hysteria they create as a reason to clamp down on the internet. First they wanted to protect us from cyber porn, then from cyber-spam, and now from cyber-attacks on the Pentagon. What they really want to protect us from is our free speech. But for now at least, we here at EarthSourceMedia can still ‘Speak truth to youth!’ and say things like, “Pentagon sounds a lot like pentagram- so they must be affiliated with the devil!”

Somali jack of the day:

Somali pirates are a step closer to a featured role in ‘Pirates of the carribean’ or at least a book deal today, after hijacking a Liberian-flagged chemical tanker off the coast of Africa. This is the 97th Somali-jacking this year. Pirates currently hold 15 ships and 300 crew hostage. The nature and volume of the cargo carried by some of the ships constitutes the gravest of environmental threats. -ESM

And finally today, speaking of environmental threats…as a well-known environmentalist on the US West Coast, I once recieved a phone call from a man who identified himself as ‘Brian Baird’. He called me at home and asked me how I felt about killing Sea Lions at Bonneville Dam to save endangered Salmon, at least 100 per day being eaten by the opportunistic Sea Lions. First of all, there was no small confusion, as I mistook the caller to be the Brian Baird from the California Coastal Commission and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s California Ocean Protection Council. As I found out later, this was not the case. The caller was U.S. Congressman Brian Baird, a Democrat representing Washington State. He apparently called me because at the time, I was a member of the California Democratic Party, a State Central Committee Delegate, and had successfully authored the ‘Heritage Tree’ State Resolution which put the California Democratic Party in favor of protecting the state’s Old Growth Redwoods. I wound up confusing the two, and only recently explained it all to Brian Baird of the Ocean Protection Council at his lecture on Marine Protected Areas in San Diego at the Birch Aquarium. I had sent out an e mail criticising the wrong Brian Baird for pitting the Marine Mammal Protection Act against the Endangered Species Act, and went on to explain the real solution was to remove the Bonneville Dam, not kill the Sea Lions. Needless to say, one Brian Baird got mad at me, and explained he and the OPC had nothing to do with it. When I finally discovered that there were two different Brian Bairds working on the environment on the West Coast at a high level of government, I issued a retraction, sending along photos of both men, one labeled the ‘good’ BB, the other, the ‘bad’ BB.

Well, the chickens have come home to roost, as a judge has given the ok to kill up to 85 Sea Lions a year for 5 years. EarthSourceMedia feels it would save a lot more Salmon if we take down the dam Dam than if we seal the fate of 85 seals a year for 5 years. I guess what we’re trying to say is, don’t seal the deal by sealing the fate of seals saving some Salmon damming the dam Dam, that this Brian Baird isn’t that Brian Baird, and the Federal Endangered Species Act shouldn’t be used against the Federal Marine Mammal Protection Act, especially when we’re in the middle of the Marine Life Protection Act- is that so hard to understand?

For EarthSourceMedia, this is joey racano saying, “Goonight and go with grace”. -ESM    

 our founder

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Tags: brian baird, us congreessman, somali pirates, cheney, rice, rumsfeld, seals, salmon, marine life protection act, endangered species act, marine mammal protection act, sea lions, india, mumbai, ganges, police state, bonneville dam, black friday, orgy, consumption, electronic attack on pentagon, ocean protection council, arnold schwarzenegger, california democratic party, wal mart, valley stream, new york, russia, california coastal commission, brazil logging, terrorism, afghanistan poppies, heroin, opium poppies, stergeon

‘Spare Change for a Nuclear Missile?’

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

one of us

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 27th, 2008

‘Spare Change for a Nuclear Missile?’

New York:

Researchers reported Wednesday that when older people are subjected to distractions they have problems with memory functions. Apparently this problem begins by age 40-60. Another interesting- (oops, one moment please) “Yes dear? No, thank you.” Anyway, another interesting… “Can somebody please turn down the television?” Now- what was I saying? Darn; can’t seem to remember. -ESM

Sacramento, California:

Former California Democratic Party Speaker of the House Fabian Nunez has joined a consulting firm headed by Steve Schmidt, who ran election campaigns for both Schwarzenegger and McCain. Mercury Public Affairs  made the announcement Wednesday. According to the San Luis Obispo Tribune, the addition of Nunez to the 9-person office gives Mercury a Democrat with high name recognition. According to EarthSourceMedia, it gives Mercury a Democrat with a lack of ethics and a high threshold for corruption and dirty politics. While trying to get the California Coastal Commission to give an o.k. to a famous friend’s golf course a while back (Clint Eastwood, Peter Ueberroth and Arnold Palmer wanted to build another golf course at Pebble Beach, cutting 17,000 Monterrey Pines) Nunez pulled his normal Coastal Commissioners (House Speaker appoints 4), and put in alternates, so they could vote ‘yes’ to the dirty deed. Typical Democratic corruption. Fortunately, other Commissioners saw what was happening, postponed the vote and the darn thing failed. There were casualties though- Commission Chair Meg Caldwell, a lovely and brilliant Stanford Law Professor, was removed from the Commission for her vote against the project. Meg now works on the Marine Life Protection Act. -Inside scoop here at EarthSourceMedia!

Orlando, Florida:

A Florida mother is charged with killing her missing three year old daughter, and police have found that someone used her home computer to search for ‘neck breaking’ and ‘household weapons’. Not a good sign. EarthSourceMedia wants an investigation of George W. Bush’s computer to see if searches were done for, ‘false information to start war’ or ‘retroactive war crime legal protection’.

Washington:

Barack and Michelle Obama are making it clear their daughters will not be spared household chores as the ‘first kids’. To the contrary, white-house workers have been told to let the girls make their own beds. They may also be made to pour foundations for, frame, and build a new wing to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. To keep them grounded.

Paso Robles, California:

Representatives for the 2009 AMGEN bike race will be passing out booklets on the history of bicycling and bike safety to students grades 4-6. The 800 mile AMGEN ‘tour’ comes through the area February 19th. EarthSourceMedia hopes someone will also pass these kids booklets on the horrors of vivisection (weirdo experiments on animals). AMGEN, based in Thousand Oaks, California, is the worlds largest vivisector of animals. -ESM 

Washington:

This years hurricane season set records. Not so much for the amount of people killed, but for the damage they caused. According to Judith Curry, an atmospheric scientist at Georgia Tech, “It was pretty relentless in a large number of big strikes. We didn’t have the huge monster where many lost their lives, but we had a lot of damage, a lot of damage”. EarthSourceMedia sees this damage as a light at the end of the tunnel. According to the whitehouse visitor log, it was the oil companies who crafted America’s current energy policies, and so we shouldn’t expect our government to cut fossil fuel consumption, which of course, is the root cause for the more frequent and destructive storms. But, as was the case with the tobacco companies, the government starts to take notice when the money it costs to treat smokers at emergency rooms surpasses the amount of money big tobacco pumps into the political process. So it shall be with property damage from fossil fuel intensified weather. That’s the light at the end of the tunnel.

Jerusalem:

Like a mini-dark ages, the terrible events of the last eight years draws to a close. As it does, the waning political power of the most evil of world leaders leaves them vulnerable, finally, to being held accountable for their misdeeds. Prime Minister Ehud Olmert is one of these, and will soon be brought to trial for double charging the Jewish people for trips abroad. This is the man who met with George Bush last week and said, “Bush will be remembered by posterity as a man who brought safety and security to the world”.  EarthSourceMedia thinks Bush will be remembered for other reasons, such as wreaking havoc on people, politics, pocketbooks and planet.

India:

In an indication of the fantastic job George W. Bush and the idiots who once rabidly supported him have done in their idiotic ‘war on terror’, armed  teams struck all over India with coordinated terror attacks, killing over 100 people and taking others hostage. They attacked the largest train station in Mumbai, a theater, two 5-star hotels and the Taj Mahal Palace. The attackers appear to have focused on Americans and Britons. Hey, weren’t those the two countries that invaded Iraq, killed a million people stole the oil and hung the president? As Bush exits office, the horrendous conditions he and his dictatorial scorched-Earth policies have created are becoming increasingly clear to even his most staunch supporters. Spare change for a nuclear missile?  

Red Bluff, California:

A brother and sister were found guilty of cremating their deceased mother’s remains in the backyard and collecting $25,000.00 in social security and pension checks. They disposed of her remains on a corner by a local cemetery. “Bye mom- we love you. We’ll always think of you whenever we pass this corner”. EarthSourceMedia knows it was inevitable they’d get caught anyway. Probably when the checks totaled $200,000.00 and the people from Guiness book of world records found out the old lady was turning 145. -ESM

Woodland:

A former firefighter got 40 years for starting fires. Arson investigators say one fire, blown by the wind, burned 1,000 acres and killed over 200 sheep. Many firefighters start the fires they fight. Some people just need to feel needed.

Washington:

Moving at breakneck speed to fill administration posts, President elect Barack Obama has yet again ‘reached across the aisle’ in appointing and retaining people who are not only center-right, but even far right. One choice (to head the CIA) was deemed so aligned with Bush’s policies that liberal groups persuaded Obama to reconsider it entirely. But here at EarthSourceMedia, we want our readers to focus not only on what Barack is doing, but what it is he isn’t doing. He has chosen one from column A, one from column B, but he hasn’t chosen anyone from the left. How about Captain Paul Watson of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society to head the EPA?

 our founder

For EarthSourceMedia, I’m joey racano saying “Goodnight and go with grace”. -ESM 

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Tags: paul watson, sea shepherd conservation society, mumbai, terrorism;, george bush, firefighter starts fire, memory research, big tobacco, oil companies, white house visitors log, energy policy, nuclear missile, arson, cia, fbi, social security, pension, georgia tech, hurricanes, global warming, far right, fabian nunez, california coastal commission, clint eastwood, peter uberoth, arnold palmer, monterey pines, pebble beach, madonna, amgen, paso robles, taj mahal, ehud olmert, jerusalem, michelle obama, meg caldwell, marine life protection act, arnold schwarzenegger,

‘Bad Impression’

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

impressed

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 26th, 2008

‘Bad Impression’

Washington DC:

Last September, Al Qaeda may have discussed blowing up the New York City subways as a special gift to America for the holiday season. EarthSourceMedia opines we can take this FBI report one of two ways; the American brand of capitalism operates in such a fashion that we do exactly what we want, when we want. This makes people around the globe angry. Rather than alter our monstrous ways, we have opted instead to fashion our once-free country into a police state where the only goals are make money and keep safe. In response to this selfish and inconsiderate behavior, it was said by our enemies back in 1999 that if anyone really wanted to hurt America, the way to do it was to do everything possible to elect George W. Bush. One look at the present state-of-the-state shows how accurate that method of attack was. Among other things, this country’s finances are in a shambles. It is Osama Bin Laden who should have held up the ‘mission accomplished’ banner, not dibble dick Bush. So, if Al Qaeda does indeed blow up the subways for Christmas, it might just serve to keep Bush around longer, as he and Cheney declare a ‘state of emergency’ and refuse to relinquish power ‘for the country’s own safety’.

The second way to look at this possible threat is that it would be the Bush/Cheney cabal who would do the actual dirty deed, and pretty much for the same reason- to create the chaos needed to nix passing the torch over to the Barack Obama administration. The Obamanonians know this, and their meager defense is to appoint as many right-wingers as possible to the new cabinet. As EarthSourceMedia reported before the election, if it were close enough to steal, Bush would have stolen election #3 (from Gore, from Kerry, from Obama). But a nice little A-bomb on New York the day before the baton is passed would do just as well. In our opinion, the dismal, plummeting economy may actually be the one thing saving America from Bush and Cheney right now. They certainly have all the hooks in place to hold onto power otherwise. But, here at EarthSourceMedia, we still urge you to remain calm.  -ESM

Washington DC:

We all have our favorite shows. Ours was a cartoon called the ‘Jetsons’. The Jetsons were a normal American family living in the far future, where all household appliances were automated, cars floated around in the air, and going out to the drive-in might include a trip to the moon. A story in today’s Fresno Bee carries the ominous headline, ‘Bailout total nears $7 trillion’. If the Jetsons were still on the air, EarthSourceMedia would suggest a new episode showing George Jetson making the final payment, in the year 5200. Imagine the mirth of him handing that one last check over to the descendants of Wall Street fat cats. Of course, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The down side of paying off such a mega-debt is that there is only one way to actually raise the money; America must oversee the logging of all the forests in Siberia, help build 7,528,000 coal-fired power plants in China, digging up all the coal under Appalachia and sending it there, help India construct 2 new nuclear plants a day for 700 years, taking all the plutonium generated and storing 4 pounds of it in each American garage in special government-mandated ‘glow rooms’, and finally, recycle all our military’s m-14 rifles into plungers, and re-deploy our troops around the world to service the toilets of lender nations. That’s $7,000,000,000,000.00.

Georgia:

Senator Saxby Chambliss is in a tough election runoff and so he’s calling in Sarah Palin to campaign with him. Her presence is sure to bring the scary people out from under their rocks and in a hate-filled place like Georgia, it might just swing the election. EarthSourceMedia finds the timing just perfect, as the Arial wolf-shooting championed by Sarah just got underway yesterday. This lady spreads death and hate everywhere she goes and I’d hate to be her when Karma comes calling. In case anyone out there needs a litmus test as to how sick our society is, just think of how many Americans actually cast their vote for the McCain-Palin ticket. Yeesh.

More Georgiaphiles:

Rome, Georgia:

A former tennis pro named James Huskey pleaded guilty to being the mysterious masked man in a series of child porn videos giving a whole new meaning to ’16-love’. With both his tennis and acting careers now behind him, Mr. Huskey may get 70 years and a new boyfriend.

Kuala, Lumur:

The good ship Karma came a-sailing into town out on the high seas last week. It turns out that the ship sunk by the Indian Navy was a Thai fishing trawler, and not a Somali Pirate vessel, as suspected. Now, we here at EarthSourceMedia love Thai food as much as the next guy, but those trawlers are a barrel of trouble, scraping the ocean bottom, drowning sea turtles and dolphins and basically just fishing out the oceans forever. So, while EarthSourceMedia presents ten stupidstix to the Indian Captain, we also award him ten Caramel Karma Cakes as well.

Toronto, Canada:

John McCain supporter Jeb Assaf is so upset with Obama becoming president, he and other republicans are seriously considering leaving the country for Canada. As has been the case with the US and Mexico, Canadians are none-too-thrilled about poor Americans coming across their borders looking to work cheaper and harder while taking away jobs from residents. However, if republicans really want to leave America, they have EarthSourceMedia’s unwavering support. -ESM 

    St. Johns, Arizona:

Ever been in an embarrassing situation where you and others try to just act like nothing’s happened? You know, your favorite girl finally kisses you at a movie and you fart? Well that’s nothing compared to the 8-year-old who shot his dad and dad’s friend with a shotgun, and has been released from juvenile custody long enough to have Turkey with his mom for the holiday. EarthSourceMedia sees it something like this…

Mom: “Aw, johnny, it’s so good to have you home for the holiday”. 

johnny: “Me too mom”.

“Would you like some stuffing?”

“Sure mom. Mom, I’m sorry for killing dad and that fella. I don’t really even know why I did it. Pass the mashed potatoes?”

“Um, we still say please around here, Mister.”

“Please?”

“Sure, here ya go”.

“Thank you m’aam. Why did I do it mom, do you know?”

“Of course I know. Your father was a friggin’ brainless redneck who forced guns and violence on an 8-year old boy instead of love and nurturing. And that’ll do it johnboy, that’ll hella do it. Yams?”

“Yes’m”.

“Don’t you worry johnny, I’m only 35, we’ll get you a new daddy. Corn’s good, try a heap”.

“K mom. When I get outa juvie, can I help pick my new dad?”

”Course you can baby”.

“Thanks. Mom? You’re the best mom in the whole wide world!”

“Of course you can baby. But ya can’t shoot ‘im. Now do you want to say grace or shall I?”

“Hm. This is where I kinda miss the old tyrant”.

“I know johnny. Eat your bakers ‘fore they chill up, son”.

“Mom, do ya think dad’s watchin’ from heaven?”

“I’m sure he is”.

“Dad, I’m sorry I killed ye. It’s just that you were an ignorant s.o.b., but don’t be mad, I couldn’t stand it if ye got mad and all.”

“Eat your fixins, johnny, eat your fixins”.

Valentine, Nebraska:

Bad impression

Perhaps the new rash of children being abandoned in Nebraska isn’t the first time it’s happened. Mr. Tom Larvie has had 9 counts of public indecency filed against him for leaving greasy imprints of his backside -and sometimes his groin- on windows of stores, schools and churches all over Valentine starting in 2007. EarthSourceMedia won’t make light of a situation that could leave such a lasting impression on the kids. -ESM 

Dallas, Texas:

A young boy named Jordan McNair set out to create a christmas tree without killing a tree. He used 59 rotating transluscent globes filled with crushed aluminum, diapers, and rolled newspapers arranged in the shape of a tree. His environmentally conscious creation now sits in the front window of the flagship store of Neiman Marcus. EarthSourceMedia sends Jordan a hearty, ‘Way ta go!’

That’s news for November 26th so, this is joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying, when you gobble a Turkey, be very careful of what you are saying in turkey language! Goodnight and go with grace”.  -ESM

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‘Pardon Me’

Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

payback

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 25th, 2008

 ‘Pardon Me’

A wise man once advised against putting others down to make yourself look good. Here at EarthSourceMedia, we never put anyone down for that reason. We point out when people are doing things wrong. Like say, destroying the world PDQ (pretty darn quick). It is endlessley annoying when you point out problems with the Democratic Party, such as when Lois Wolk (D-Davis) caused the old growth in California not to get protection, and they respond, “Well would you rather have a Republican in there?”

One of the down sides of this stupid retort is that it makes good activists a little hesitant (very little) to critisize people like lame duck outgoing tyrant dictator scary evangelical President George W. Bush. Bush and cabal are in the process of doing incredible damage to the planet on the way out of office, attacking everything from forests to laws regulating toxins, and the list goes on and on. Meanwhile, Barack Obama has pretty much chosen to reappoint the entire cabinet of Bill Clinton. All the papers are screaming ‘Obama wastes no time on economy’! Obama himself is saying there’s no time to waste because the economy is so bad. He said yesterday that if something bold wasn’t done, many experts predict America will lose millions of jobs next year. But there is something else to be seen, if through a glass, darkly. It’s an environmental holocaust, unfolding in the most terrible way. And, unlike with an ailing economy, damage to it can’t just be ‘undone’ We are rushing headlong into oblivion and fast. So what about it, Barack? How ’bout moving with urgency on the environment? Or are you going to point at the Republicans and say, “Look what they’re doing- would you rather have McCAin?” EarthSourceMedia to Barack Obama: Ondalay, mi amigo, ondalay!

Swanzey, New Hampshire:

The third wife of deceased Baseball legend Ted Williams is holding an estate sale, selling all things Ted Williams. One of the most revolting is a mounted shoulder of a buffalo shot by Ted. I don’t know what it is with these baseball player types. Remember when Dave Winfield got arrested for killing a seagull by throwing a baseball at it? Well Ted, you were a great hitter, but what on Earth ever possesed you to shoot a buffalo? Did you at least eat the dam thing? Wear any part of it? Or did you just cut off it’s shoulder like a ghoulish baseball player? Oh, that’s right, you were a ghoulish baseball player. Now you’re dead. Maybe they saved your shoulder in cooperstown. What other items might go up for sale- a pair of Teds baseball cleats with roaches underneath that he squished in the clubhouse? His soiled home-fly swatter? -ESM

Wausau, Wisconsin:

Those poor deer up in Wisconsin- they have to deal with the superior intelligence of the great white hunter every year around this time. On the opening weekend of hunting season, five of those pencil-necked geeks shot each other. According to hunting officials, this is about the normal amount. At least one hunter was killed during a ’roundup’ technique, where one group of hunters walks toward another group of hunters, pushing the deer in front of them. This hunting method shows a kind of intelligence we haven’t seen here at EarthSourceMedia since, since when Ralph Cramden bought a boat with three propellers on ‘The Honeymooners’. Did I ever tell you about my ‘white cat’ theory? It’s where cats that are white don’t get run over as often as, say, black cats. So eventually, all cats will be white. So the theory goes, anyway. Another theory is that all people who like guns will wipe themselves out. Soldiers, hunters, collectors, target shooters, and assorted jerkoffs. So when these folks die, don’t get too upset, it’s natural selection. Sort of the white cat theory. BANG!  Oops- there goes another one. -ESM

Washington, DC:

George W. Bush is saying, ‘Howdy, pardoner’ to a batch of his contemporaries, as he gives presidential pardons to embezzlers, animal poisoners, and scumbags assorted and sundry on his way out of office. The first pardon he gave was to Leslie Owen Collier of Charleston, Missouri. Seems ol’ Lez was putting poison in hamburger meat to kill coyotes and wound up killing many different animals, including 3 Bald Eagles. Bush pardoned him, and a Presidential Pardon is final. I have no idea why that is. It’s like saying the President is above the law. Wrong!   

San Antonio, Texas:

Frederick Jessup, an elder of the Curch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was arrested for performing a marriage between an old man and a young girl who could have been his granddaughter (and may indeed have been). EarthSourceMedia wonders why it is this church worked to take away gay people’s right to marry, but yet they are o.k. with pops marrying tots.

Venezuela:

That old American spin machine just seems to work overtime when it comes to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. All the mainstream (mainstream, translation: neocon christian pro war anti abortion) American news organizations reported the election results of yesterday’s elections in Venezuela the same way- ‘Chavez Opponents Make Modest Gains’.  Here at EarthSourceMedia, we ‘Speak truth to youth!’, and so here it is: Chavez supporters won 17 of those elections and his opponents won only 5. A truer headline would have been: ‘Elections Show Chavez Has Strong Support’. And Russian war ships too! -ESM 

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia:

Somali-jack o’ the Day’

Those darn Somali Pirates are sure trying hard to get themselves cast in the new Pirates of the Carribean movie. Maybe they’ve got Oscar fever because of Sean Penn’s new movie. This time, they hijacked a Yemeni cargo ship in the Arabian sea. We here at EarthSourceMedia hope the pirates will follow the Japanese to Antarctica and hijack their whaling vessel! Pirates, if you’re reading this, just give it some thought.

Kibati, Congo:

The American Government is very different from other governments. Here’s a good example of why- Congo Government soldiers spent the day looting yesterday, preying on vulnerable refugees they should instead have been protecting. But before we here in America go calling the kettle black, just remember that we did the opposite yesterday. The American Government looted the soldiers, by narrowing the definition of what constitutes a combat-related injury. One soldier who lost his $16,000 disability payment said, “I was blown up twice in Iraq -that’s not combat related?”

Texas:

Jurors found a Muslim Charity called the Holy Land Foundation funneled money to a group called Hamas. According to the U.S., Hamas is a terrorist organization. Here at EarthSourceMedia, we respect the United States opinion on who is a terrorist- it’s like that movie, ‘It takes a thief’. Remember? Only a thief knows the mind of a thief. With the US lying to our own people to start an illegal war where we killed a million Iraqi civilians, kidnapped and tortured world citizens, imprisoned children in a concentration camp and then refused to help our own mentaly traumatized soldiers, hey, we’re experts on terrorism. The judge found the muslim charity and 5 of it’s former leaders guilty on all 108 counts. Here at EarthSourceMedia, we have a partial list of the 108 reasons they were found guilty:

1 They were muslim.  

2 They weren’t christians

3 olive skin color

4 non white

5 Don’t believe in Jesus

6 Their religion tried to steal the angel Gabriel

7 They were Muslim

8 Prayed too much to the wrong God

9 Never paid Gonzales or Cheney

10 See #1

EarthSourceMedia did record a brief outburst by the Texas judge: “Yo’ com inna mah coat-room heah boy? Wid awl dat muzlim sheeit? I senja da hale bowa! To hail!!!!!”

 joey racano

our founder

That’s the news for this 25th day of November, I’m joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying, “From Toronto to Timbuktu, or anywhere the U.S. Government can track you using your own GPS, Goodnight and go with grace”  -ESM

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‘Special Krazy Episode’

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

koo-koo!

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 24th, 2008

 ‘Special Krazy Episode’

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood; would you be my, could you..oh! Hey, yeah, umm…

Good Evening and welcome to EarthSourceMedia, where we ‘speak truth to youth!’ You know, the world’s gone pretty darn crazy, and it doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. We here at ESM have decided not to ‘go against the flow’, figuring the best thing to do is walk like an Egyption. Or do as the Romans do. When you’re in Rome, of course. Read this blog, and then you can judge wether or not we too, have gone the way of the Passenger Pigeon. The Do-Do Bird. The Koo-koo clock.

Here now, the news-

Los Angeles, California:

A man walked into the Scientology Building here in the city of angels, bringing with him two samauri swords. A nut walking into a building for nuts. With two swords. And the guy apparently used to be a member. So was Tom Cruise, and he soon started jumping up and down on Oprah Winfrey’s couch. The scientology guard took one look at this madman and started shooting. Local Police think it was probably justifiable homocide. Pretty nutty though. -ESM

Richmond, California:

Two people were driving on the Interstate 80 Freeway when they hit a Honda. They were hit themselves, by two other vehicles and then (koo koo!) decided it would be a great place to take a stroll -in the fast lane. They were struck and killed. CHP is searching for the passer-by driver who never stopped. If you have an accident folks, please, get the car and your self out of lanes. ASAP.

Baghdad:

Saddam Hussein’s cousin, known as ‘Chemical Ali’, because the American spin machine pretends he was known as Chemical Ali, is about to be executed for, umm, executing people. Now here is the logic- if someone does something, and you want to show them that doing it was wrong, -you do it too! (Koo-koo!) And by the way, America oversaw Saddam Hussein’s trial in kangaroo court fashion, stacked the deck, marked the cards, loaded the dice, get it? It wasn’t a fair trial. And then we made sure Saddam was executed by hanging. Ask any American and they’ll tell you- “We killed Hussein and overthrew Iraq because of 9-11.” But Hussein and Iraq had zero to do with the events of 9-11. Geaorge Bush was actually known as ‘Chemical ‘W’ back in college. He apparently did a lot of coke. Here at earthSourceMedia, we forgive him for that. We don’t forgive him for the Iraqi genocide.

Afghanistan:

The US bombed Islamabad, killing a british ‘militant’. The press said this strike was a sign of ‘sharper intelligence’. EarthSourceMedia says the strike is a sign of violent behavior.

Platteville, Colorado:

A nice farm couple invited needy people to come to their farm and pick their own vegetables on Saturday. As was the case in Montebello (reported here at ESM in yesterday’s blog), the reponse was a bit more than anticipated. 40,000 people picked that darn field clean, and the second day was canceled. Apparently, the field was also picked clean of crickets and beetles.

Atlanta, Georgia:

Kathy Cox, a school system employee, won 1 million dollars in September on a game show and gave it all to local schools. Last week, she and her husband found themselves filing for bankruptsy. EarthSourceMedia finds Mrs. Cox to be Koo-koo but nice.

Air Force One:

Condoleezza Rice and George W. bush will be meeting with North Korea in China soon to engage in peace talks. This being the special Krazy episode of EarthSourceMedia, we just had to include this story, because it is just so darn Krazy talking about peace with two of histories biggest war criminals.

Guantanamo, Cuba:

At the American concentration camp at Guantanamo, guards will soon offer classes on art and geology to prisoners who have been ‘too-long held’. We can see it now….(everything gets wavy)…

“Old man, sign zee papers!”

“I vill not sign zee papers, I am guilty of nothing, god is great!”

“Then tell me, what is the significance of Monet in modern impressionism?”

Washington:

‘No child left with mind’

Bush and Cheney have once again done their industrial friends bidding as they have gotten the Federal EPA to ease rules on lead, one of the worlds most dangerous pollutants. Children and animals exposed to lead lose their ability to learn and their mental processes are greatly slowed. However, the whitehouse does have a plan for recycling and education- the most heavily lead-exposed children will be sharpened into #2 pencils.

  And finally, my dogs all needed baths desperately today, hence this late posting of the ESM blog. Hope to get it done earlier tomorrow, but for now, this is joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying, thanks for reading the special Krazy episode, and now, I gotta get outa here… I GOTTA get outa here….I gotta get OUTA here, I gotta get outta HERE, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

“Come with us sir, we’ll take care of you”

“Hey- leave me alone! Leave- me- alone!”

“Everythings going to be fine, sir, here ya go”

“No!”

“Come on now”

 Goodnight and go with grace”.  -ESM

(koo-koo  koo-koo, koo-koo…………)

 joey racano

‘our founder’

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‘Thirst for Knowledge’

Sunday, November 23rd, 2008

thirsty

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 23rd, 2008

‘Thirst for Knowledge’ 

Pakistan:

A story in todays New York Times reports of speculation by senior Pakistani officials that America has ulterior motives for having Pakistan fight ‘terror’ in their own country. On condition of anonymity, an official said Pakistan thinks that while they are searching for terrorists (out on a snipe hunt), America plans to steal their nuclear weapons. Their fears are justified- Pakistan is the only Muslim country with nuclear arms and many there say their worst fear is India and Afghanistan teaming up to fight Pakistan. EarthSourceMedia wonders if it would be worse for the world if those arms wound up in the hands of America- the only country that has ever used nuclear weapons on other human beings. Word out of the whitehouse is: ‘Silly muslims, nukes are for christians!’   In a special investigative foray, EarthSourceMedia did some real traveling and secured a brief but incredibly brilliant if disorienting soundbite from God. We present it here, in an ESM exclusive:

‘When I created the universe, the skys, heaven and earth, planets, quasars, galaxies, star clusters, pulsars, avatars, moons, rings, gaseous jets, black holes, nuetron stars, white dwarfs, red giants and supernovas, the first thing I noticed was the geography of North America, the lines delineating it’s borders and how closely its inhabitants and I were politically and ideologically aligned. I decided right from the stroke of- well, from the very first stroke, that this would be the start of something beautiful, just 21st Century North American white christians and me, their creator, highest ranking official, and, sure, biggest fan.  Amen.” -ESM

  Montebello, California:

‘Hungry fellow at Montebello’

It’s that time of year, when Americans give thanks for the blessings we have recieved. For some reason, someone named this holiday ‘Thanksgiving’. Of course, that was before the days of clever advertising campaigns, so it was good enough. And as for inspiration- there was so much to be thankful for! We killed the indians, got away clean with an entire stolen continent, snuffed their game animals, cut their forests, even brought entire languages to a dead end. And oh, those buffalo- bang bang! Yeah, there was a lot to be thankful for. And this tradition holds on, an integral part of our culture. Of course, even traditions like this are subject to the times, and so it was yesterday in the benevolent town of Montebello, where church groups held their annual food offerings to those in need. When the first few thousand showed up hungry and broke, it immediately became obvious that this was going to be no ordinary year. The people in power -likely supported by these very same church groups- had continued in that American frontier tradition of stealing and thieving to the point where families were trudging into Montebello by the thousands, stomachs growling. Workers were stunned and completely overwhelmed. The frozen turkeys ran out by 11:00 a.m. By 2:00 p.m., they were out of frozen pigeons, and by 4:00, you were lucky to get a frozen rat. The good news? Those pesky gays can’t marry in California, no one gets a portion of abortion, and we aren’t using them cells we call Stem cells. -ESM  

Iran:

In the first execution of an espionage case, Iran put to death a citizen-spy who gave secrets to Israel. Ali Ashtari, an electronics salesman, was hung Monday. EarthSourceMedia finds this kind of heavy handed justice to be inhumane. They could at least have electrocuted him. 

Guatemala:

‘Head of the prison’

Prisoners were transferred to another prison yesterday, resulting in a gang fight that killed 7 people, 5 of them beheaded. One of the heads was placed on a stick and was visible from outside the prison. A Los Angeles Times story says the guards soon had the prison ‘back in control’, but EarthSourceMedia thinks they were always in control, and transferred the prisoners as punishment. We are still investigating if there was any Cheney/Gonzales involvement. Stay tuned. -ESM

Houston, Texas:

‘Thirst for knowledge’

Astronauts are working to re-position a centrifuge on their $154 million dollar water recycling machine in order to make room on the space station for what will be a total of six crewmembers. Astronauts hope they have a solution for getting a pivotal piece of equipment working so it can convert urine and sweat into drinkable water and allow the international space station to grow to six crew members.

Michael Fincke. station commander, is in charge of the operation. EarthSourceMedia obtained a transcript of inter-department communications this morning. The conversation went thus:

Commander Fincke: Roger Houston Control, recycler ready!

Houston Control: Copy that, Commander. Report status please, over.

Commander Fincke: Drinking sweat at 0800 hours spacetime!

Houston Control: Copy that Commander. Anything further to report?

Commander Fincke: Roger, Houston.

Houston Control: What’s that, Commander?

Commander Fincke: Drinking Piss at 08:05 hours. Over.

Houston Control: Copy that. Well done. Now test the juicer.

Commander Fincke: Roger that, we have tested the juicer, over.

Houston Control: Report results Commander.

Commander Fincke: Roger Houston, reporting juicer is a ‘go’ and we are drinking sweat and piss. Station out’

end of transmission  -ESM (exclusive).

“And that’s the end of our transmission for today, so for EarthSourceMedia, this is joey racano saying, recycling of wastewater is less expensive and less energy intensive than desalination of seawater, and that’s a fact (see: www.oceanoutfallgroup.com). Oh, and shout out to Miley Cyrus. Goodnight, and go with grace”

editor, esm

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‘Not Our Fault’

Saturday, November 22nd, 2008

shake & bake

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 22nd, 2008

(special thanx to Dr. Alzheimer for photo: visit him at: http://photoblog.dralzheimer.stylesyndication.de/  )

‘Not Our Fault’

Montaneo De Oro, California:

‘Mountain of Gold’

Montaneo de Oro, is a beautiful spot on the secluded Central Coast of California. Trees, hills, native ecosystems, a rugged oceanfront, clouds that still sing the native songs. Here, the spirits of vanished estuarine peoples spend the days foraging for Abalone in cold waters, and the evenings haunting the dunes. And what else would we do with a spot so beautiful except build a Nuclear Power Plant? Ah, yes, a naughty nexis of nuclear narcissism. A place to plant a plethora of plutonium. This nuke plant uses a seawater intake -a cooling method so destructive they try to mitigate the damage to sea life by throwing junk in the nearby waters calling it a ‘reef’. Of course nothing could be more stupid except environmentalists who do ‘artificial reef’ mitigation. And then came the news this morning that the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Power Plant has a new friend just offshore- a major earthquake fault! Not to worry-P,G, & E, (Pacific Gas & Electric), those saviors of the sanctity of the sacred, have assured us everything is fine. Don’t panic. And my personal favorite, ‘Remain calm’. Though the fault is likely to someday generate a 6.5 magnitude quake, Lloyd Cluff, head of P,G,&E’s ‘risk management program’ said the plant is built to withstand a magnitude 7.5 temblor. It’s appalling that a private company would be allowed to operate a nuclear plant next to an earthquake fault, use a cooling system that kills billions of fish and larvae every day during the normal course of operation, and generate a plutonium waste product that will still be dangerous a half million years from now. Exactly what government agency will still be around in the year five hundred two thousand eight (502,008) to ensure the safety of that plutonium nuclear waste product? This country won’t even last another 100years.  Anyway, even without all that nuclear stuff, the plants cooling method is ghastly. A tube that sucks in everything and anything and kills nearly 100% of what it draws in. I once had a friend who showed me pictures on her computer she secretly took at work. ‘Work’, was a job she had with a regulatory compliance company, and her job was to sit at Diablo Canyon Nuclear Power Plant at a conveyer belt, counting, measuring and observing the dead sea life that was being sucked in by the plant’s ‘once-through-cooling’ seawater intake. The heaps of protoplasm were staggering. Talk about ‘by-catch’! She would get only a few creatures measured when the conveyor would bring in the next load. She was completely overwhelmed. That, folks, is the reality of where your electricity is coming from. Risk management indeed

Washington DC:

Sometimes, Karma comes as a person winning the lotto after returning a lost wallet. Sometimes its a guy who shoots himself cleaning his gun. But the very worst case of Karma we at ESM have ever seen is the Karma landing feet-first on the heads of the GOP. A fate so terrible, we actually feel a twinge of remorse for the vast right wing conspiracy. Hillary Clinton as the new Condoleezza Rice. OMFG. I’m not saying Condi was better than Hillary- no way. The one thing I remember most about Condi was when she was on the Board of Directors of Chevron. And they were going to name an oil supertanker after her! They actually did, but it was removed for the uproar it caused. Imagine, the U.S.S. Condoleezza Rice, estimated life span, 6 days ’till sea-jacking! And don’t forget Condi’s ‘mushroom cloud’ speech- she’s one of the Bush cabal war criminals to eventually be tried, found guilty of genocide, high crimes and treason, and hopefully, executed by firing squad- along with Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Alberto Gonzales and George W. Bush- but enough of my pleasant day dreams.

Hillary Clinton is going to come into office as the international face of Barack Obama, America and for all intents and purposes, you and I. I think she’s going to do a great job. I sure wouldn’t want to mess with that pitbull. And I felt so bad for her when she sat in front of all the media as Bill apologized to America for getting a blow job. Hell, I checked out Monica Lewinsky and, if there is a man in the country who would have turned her down, he is a weirdo. That must have been so embarrassing for Hillary, but she sat through it like a trooper with her head held high. And now, Karma. Secretary of State, one of the most powerful positions in history, especially now.  BTW- Monica, if you read ESM, call me– 805 540-8970 -jr

Decatur, Nebraska:

The ‘safe-haven’ law that caused so much confusion (and so many drop-offs!) has now been altered to say only infants may be dropped off. EarthSourceMedia worries about this new development. The temperature in Nebraska today is 36 degrees!

Beijing, China:

A 20 year old Chinese college student went to a Panda exhibit at Qixing Park with friends, and thought the Panda was so cute it would be ok to give it a hug. The Panda bit the mans leg and arm before the man was pulled from the exhibit. Authorities say the man was bloodied but had a ‘clear head’. EarthSourceMedia will not argue with Chinese authorities, as that may get us paraded around a stadium full of cheering onlookers and then taken out and shot (see: ‘operation strike hard’), but there is no way this person had a ‘clear head’.

Dayton, Ohio:

For all of us science fiction lovers, it looks like the day has arrived when we can expect to have robots checking up on us at work and at home. But forget the klatu-verrada-nikto stuff- these droids may be very small- bird-size by 2011, and insect-size by 2030. Our military is actually developing tiny machines disguised as insects to perform surveillance -coming soon to a bee hive near you. As is customary with military ‘intelligence’, we now run the risk of losing a million dollar piece of hardware to a 99 cent fly swatter.

Miami, Florida:

An unhappy young student in Florida yesterday took an overdose of drugs and killed himself as it was being broadcast live on his webcam. This despair and/or thrill seeking is sad and I pity the guy. But what irks me is the people who egged him on online. Do me a favor, if you’re ever watching me do something so stupid online and you want to egg me on to go through with it- send me your address along with your message so in case I survive I can come whup your heartless ass.

Davis, California:

The publisher of a local weekly paper is calling it quits after accomplishing his goal of writing, printing and delivering 52 issues; an issue a week for one year. One of the country’s youngest journalists, Finnegan O’Toole is only 8 years old, but has decided it’s time to move on. He’d like to create his own video game, and sell his art- a colorful collection of birds and space aliens he has drawn. He and neighbors delivered the final issue last Saturday, then had a cupcake party reception in the O’Tooles front yard. 

   From the outgoing Bush administration who think the new agreement with the Iraq government is a success, to the incoming Obama administration who wants to escalate the war in Iraq, which is now the war in Afghanistan, to the tens of thousands of Iraqi citizens demonstrating in the streets of Baghdad calling for us to immediately leave their country and die a thousand violent and painful deaths, I’m joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying, “Goodnight and go with grace”.  -ESM

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Tags: baghdad, iraqi demonstration, montaneo de oro, mountain of gold, diablo canyon nuclear plant, once through cooling, condoleesa rice, hillary clinton, bill clinton, barack obama, afghanistan, online suicide, military intelligence, surveillance, chinese panda, plutonium, nuclear waste, secretary of state, gop, democrats, earthquake fault, dick cheney, donald rumsfeld, george w bush, alberto gonzales, risk management

‘Odds and Ends’

Friday, November 21st, 2008

comeondown!

EarthSourceMedia Reports for November 21st, 2008

 ‘Odds and Ends’ (a gameshow!)

Now, here’s your host: joey racano!

San Diego:

On a recent ride down the I-5 Freeway,  I noticed that the lights of the city of San Diego were astounding- huge skyscrapers bathed in lights of pastel gold. Now, a report has come out by the NRDC (Natural Resources Defense Council) showing that video game consoles are using up as much energy every year as San Diego, the worst culprit being Sony Playstation 3. Now, one would wonder, in these times of energy crunch and crisis, why we would allow so much juice to flow to something like recreational button-pushing? After all, with power plants dumping poisons into the air by the metric ton, and some still using ‘once through cooling’ seawater intakes, there is no doubt that production of such energy comes at a huge environmental cost.

The first quick thought would be the almighty dollar, of course. There is huge money to be made, selling children a joy stick that will rule their lives. But here at EarthSourceMedia, where it is our job to look deeper, even speculate wildly, we may see a more insidious reason. That joystick becomes a gun at age 18. And here you are, an 18 year old brain-dead video game freak, a ready-made soldier, and a mindless thoughtless remorseless push-button baby killer trained in the netherworlds of computer-generated mayhem. Next stop? Pakistan. Syria. Afghanistan, Iraq, Somalia. Maybe even get a position with Blackwater International. Hey, that’s a video game, isn’t it? Anyway, those lights, those flashing lights…those beeps, buzzes, clicking, whirring, lights…humming, ringing, shooting, blasting, those…lights…those…lights…red…blue green…orange..glowing…lights…you..are getting sleepy… you must kill…you love America….hate…terrorists…must kill….must kill….kill…kill….

Ahh, don’t get mad folks, you know its all true, don’t you? Relax- we’ll be right back after these words from our sponsor…

 comeondown!

 Welcome back! (applause)

New York:

The DOW lost 450 points late yesterday, crushing hopes of an economic rebound for those engaged in the planet-killing industries. EarthSourceMedia suggests that instead of giving 700 billion dollars from the poor to the wealthy, we might just turn things around by placing a $10.00 value on aluminum cans and beer bottles. Imagine it; downtrodden but good folks, rummaging through the trash, coming up with dirty faces, nicked-up fingers, a sour smell -and $1,400.00 dollars a night! No worries that the rich would get any of that money, they are far too snooty to go anywhere near a trash can. And there you have it, another EarthSourceMedia original. Stay tuned next week for, ‘spinning cigarette butts into gold’ or ‘making watches run forever on depleted uranium’.  -ESM

Washington DC:

‘Bush set to weaken wildlife protections’ reads the headline in yesterdays San Luis Obispo Tribune. EarthSourceMedia asks, and exactly what protections are we talking about here? Yes, yes, we here at ESM know all about the layer of government that makes sure dams and highways don’t pose athreat to endangered animals and plants. But, look around. Take a good look at your neighborhood. See any animals besides those pigeons starlings and seagulls? How ’bout trees? Sure, you have 9 oleanders and an over-trimmed palm. Where is the wild? Well, it’s underneath that Mervyns and Ross Dress-for-Less. So please, don’t tell me Bush is going to make things any worse. The environment is already nailed to the cold cross of development. -ESM

Avila Beach, California:

An 80 year old man was seriously injured Wednesday afternoon when the motorcycle he was riding crashed into another vehicle. So, EarthSourceMedia asks, ‘what’s wrong with this picture’? No way- we may get outrageous here at ESM, but we’re not touching this one.  

Anchorage, Alaska:

Sarah Palin is once again being investigated for improper ethics, this time for using her Governors office as a place to tape interviews about her further political aspirations. Apparently, officials already weary of her running for Vice President from her office in Alaska, are afraid she will announce a run for Queen of England. Speaking of crowns, here at EarthSourceMedia, we are currently undecided as to whom we shall crown this years ‘most vile she-devil’, Sarah Palin, Condi Rice or the singing prostitute of Eliott Spitzer fame.

“How’s that for fun!? We’ll be back after these important messages!”

 comeondown!

(Theme song and three, two, one:)Los Angeles, California:

Also today at ESM, we bring you the advertisement from page A25 of Thursday’s LA Times, where a 1/4 page ad tells of the new Barack Obama U.S. Presidential Dollar coin! Yes, that’s right folks, you too, can own a once-in-a-lifetime golden circular keepsake, to be cherished in this generation and passed on to the next- all the while glowing -and growing- in value! ‘A Milestone in Coin Collecting’ says the ad. ‘Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back! ‘ it says. And how much is that dollar coin going to cost you? Why, only $19.95! I’m not kidding you folks, you can get one of these red-hot coins for a mere twenty bucks! now if that don’t beat all. But don’t answer yet, because you may soon also be able to get:

* The Barack Obama wisk broom, perfect for any car, truck or bus- especially good if you lost your home to forclosure but managed to keep the family car in someone elses name

The Barack Obama bobble-head doll, great for showing your democratic pride on the dashboard (now with eyes that light up when you step on the brake!)

Barack Obama Refrigerator magnet, perfect for that post-Bush administration grocery list, example:

DINTY MOORE

TOP RAMEN

MAC & CHEESE

RICE

DAY-OLD BREAD

 Don’t wait, supplies are going fast, so- get yours today! Goooo, ‘Bama!!

(laugh track, cut to commercial  and two, one:)

comeondown!

 (lights, applause and…)

“We’re back! Now for the moment you’ve been waiting for, our special guest and the main storyline and…”

Washington DC:

Attorney General Michael Mukasey was delivering a speech to the Federalist Society at a Washington hotel when he started shaking and collapsed.

Now let’s play ‘Odds and Ends’ here at EarthSourceMedia

“First, let’s introduce our special guest today at ESM, ladies and gentleman, Paris Hilton!” (theme from peter gunn, wild applause, whistling)…

“Thank you for being here, Paris, and my-oh-my you do look fetching in those rhinestone leg-warmers!. Now let’s play, shall we? What are the odds this was a simple illness, or that Mr. Mukasey was poisoned intentionally?”

 (spin the dial, please Paris). *zizz-zizz-zizz-zizz *

“Well, Mukasey and sons were advisors on the presidential campaign of Rudy Guliani. Mukasey actually swore old Rudy in back in New York, and he must know a-plenty about the ‘inside’ goings on of 9-11. After all, Rudy did send in those fireman. Oh, and the photo ops! Cashed it in too, almost all the way to the Whitehouse.” (wheel stops). “Thankyou, Paris. Now let’s see, um, the dial shows Guliani may have known the buildings were going to be attacked, may have known they were actually brought down by charges, and all as part of Paul Wolfowitz’s ‘Project for a New American Century'” (kids: see “another pearl harbor“). “Mukasey may have had some inside knowledge about Guliani’s inside knowledge. So the dial says: (Beep-goink*doot-doot-doot-buzz*BEEP!) 64% chance he was poisoned!” (applause).

“OK Paris, spin that dial!” (wild applause, Paris smiles…)

*zizz-zizz-zizz-zizz-zizz-zizz*

Beep* goink*doot-doot*ooga horn) “Well, Mukasey almost didn’t become Attorney General because of his controversial views on torture- he supported it!” (crowd says: ooooohhhhh!’)

“So, the dial says- 75% chance he was intentionally poisoned!” (crowd goes wild, Paris waves, does ‘runway walk’, exits stage right, smiling) 

“Well, that’s ”Odds and Ends’ for today, so we’ll leave you with a transcript of Mr. Mukasey’s speech- enjoy!”

‘Good afternoon, I’m Mr. Mukasey, but Federalists can call me Mike. I come before you today to talk about the importance of torture methods used in the childrens section of Guantanamo, to keep our own children back here at home, safe from the evils of terrorism. I would like to thank….I would like to thank….I would also like to th-…ugghh…uggghh.. ahh- I’m alright, I’m alright…I’m…ahhhhhhhhhh………agggghhhhhhhhhhh……”

“Thank you for playing Odds and Ends with us at ESM, we do it every year!”

That’s news (and opinions) for today; from the tow-in surf at Mavericks, to the new underwater Marine Sanctuary at Davidson SeaMount, I’m joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying, goodnight, and go with grace”. ESM      

(wild applause, lights, theme, dancers, and –a gunshot!! OMFG!!)    

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Tags: paris hilton, depleted uranium, michael mukasey, bush, barack obama, davidson seamount, iraq, afghanistan, iran, somalia, syria, blackwater, sony playstation 3, san diego, los angeles times, san luis obispo, sarah palin, elliot spitzer prostitute, comdi rice, queen of england, mavericks, davidson seamount, marine sanctuary, rudy guliani, 9-11, mervyns, ross dress for less, video game, killer