Archive for October, 2008

Final Debate of 2008

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

Joe the Plumber

 ~The Final Debate of 2008!~

“If elected, what will you do in the first year, as President, to decrease dependence on foreign oil? Mr. McAin?”

“Excuse me, my jaw just picked one of those funny times to swell up, you know, like the time I threw a rock out huntin’ at a jackrabbit and it missed, and richocheted off the side of the canyon wall, and though I never got that gosh-darned rabbit, the experience did toughen me up for the years ahead, when I was a prisoner of-…”

Mr. McAin, sir, I’m sorry, but we’re about out of time, could you answer the…”

“Alright, alright, don’t get so nervous, you sound like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs- I’d, well, I’d drill! I’d drill here, drill now, and pay less the better fer doin’ it. I’d like to hear what the eloquent panzy over here’ed do, but I guess we allready know…”      “Time, Mr. McAin, Mr. Obama?”

“As I mentioned a little earlier, before, I-I-I-I-I guess what I’m trying to say is that back in Chicago, when I carried groceries for old Mrs. Widownofullis, she’d sometimes come to the door, lines of concern all over her face, and she’d look at me, barely able to whisper her concerns, and they were certainly genuine concerns, about -about-about things that- things that- things that you and -you and- things- concerns about things that, the same…”

“Mr. Obama, 20 seconds, please, what would you do in the first year to cut our dependence on foreign oil?”

“I’d, well, I’d I do believe we need some offshore drilling, and the oil it would produce, but remember we only sit on 3% of the worlds oil and we use about 25% of…”

“Mr. McAin, the Earth is certainly warming from fossil fuels being burned and carbon dioxide being pumped into the atmosphere. Do you see alternative energy in our future?”

“So any ways, I came down off the mountain wearing only a bamboo headress and armed with the business end of a bunjee stick, when this short little guy walks up..”

“Mr, McAin, thank you for your service, but would you commit to…”

“Yes, I’ll commit alright, commit right now before God and country, commit to the economy, be a good steward of the economy. Heck, just ask Joe the Plumber! He knows dam well, he asked Osama the other- oops, did I say that? I meant, of course, Obama, I do apologize to my colleague…”

“Mr. McAin, 5 seconds…”

“Coal!” “Clean coal, where we pump that stuff down so deep it’d take the devil himself -and you do know, of course, that my oponent here knows that varmint personally, from when they went on a business luncheon together in Chicago with whatsisname, the ‘Z’ guy…”

“Mr.Obama?”

“Yes, clean coal certainly seems to be the way to go, mostly because of those thousands and thousands of  voters -er, folks, with the black on their faces, not actually black, because many of those will be excised off the voter rolls, especially in Ohio, I think we all know some of that monkey business will go on, but, but those folks in Appalachia, fighting to pay their mortgages and struggling with silicosis and trying to send their kids to a college before they marry their sisters and first cousins, send them off to good schools like I and my wife went to, to get a quality education and, yes, coal- CLEAN COAL, that’ll stop the foreign dependance while it stops climate change at the same time thats happening, and you see- you see- I do agree with John McAin on a lot of these fundamental issues, late term abortions, but only if, if- only if there are some exceptions for the health of the mother and the baby and yes, clean coal, that’s the way we ought to handle it.”

“So, both of you want to drill for oil, both want to place limits on what a woman can do with her own body, both want to start a new push to mine for, process and begin a wholesale largescale burning of coal..what would you say are your major differences then, uh, what makes the American public, John Q Public..”

“Well, wait..”

“Mr. McAin?”

“Wait a minute, thats not his name, his name, I said it before, it’s Joe- Joe the Plumber, and he’s so afraid to buy his bosses business, he confronted Barack Obama on this, where he is afraid to buy because Mr. Osama here, Mr. Osama, Osama Bin Lad- oh, oh, uh-oh, did, …oh oh, I am so very sad- I mean sorry,  saddam-I mean Barack Hussein Osama Bin, oh I am so very- Joe the Plumber here is too dam afraid Osa-OK, Obama is gonna raise his taxes-

“Now I don’t think that’s fair, the- 64& of the American public think John’s been running a negative campaign, ad after ad after…”

“Oh c’mon Osama- I mean- oh, I am so very very…”

“Well folks, that’s the end of the final debate, we hope you’ll stick around for the anal- I mean the anylists, who will be here to tell you what you just heard, what it means to you, and what you think, what you should do, what you should buy, what you should spend, how you feel, and how meaningless you and your stupid little votes really are.

Next up, the Vice Presidential debates, where Palin keeps winking and Biden keeps stinking!” 

“Thats it this time everyone, and for EarthSourceMedia, I’m joey Racano saying, ‘Goodnight and go with grace.”

ESM

Ides of October

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

Ides of October

October 15th 2008

~Ides of October~

A Harvest moon clings to witches silhouetted against her breast,

a hidden Sun illuminating her perpetually surprised expression.

Autumn incarnate, Cinderella’s carriage at half-past eleven, or Alfred Noyes storm-tossed ghostly Galleon, she gasps her last breaths against a backdrop of inky night.   

Stallions of Helios trot at her side,  a string of fireflies their tether.

Great nostrils flare, steaming like geysers, mighty-muscled shoulders strain against unearthly leather  

A mummy’s white ribbons flap gustily at the shin

Braided Manes rufflle in a solar wind,

Away, they curve upward, ever upward

spiriting their charge to that place among the stars~

joey racano

Saturday, October 11th, 2008

ESM

EarthSourceMedia October 11th, 2008…

For those reading this in the far future, this was a semi-tongue-in-cheek blogcast from Planet Earth (Milky Way Galaxy, make a left, three quarters of the way out on a spiral arm, straight at the stop sign, third stone from the sun) before itlooked just like Mars. Here now the news:

Vienna, Austria

Austrian far-right leader Joerg Haider, known for his anti-immigrant policies, was killed in a car crash. Haider steadfastly maintained the labor policies of Hitlers Third Reich had been ‘proper’, and he recently set up a facility in a remote mountain area to process asylum seekers ‘suspected’ of crimes. As did Donald Rumsfeld in 1983 (for an arms deal), Haider once met with Saddam Hussein for which he was widely condemned.  In any case, he’s dead. ESM wonders if the crash was the same kind of ‘accident’ that recently befell the brother of Congresswomen Lorretta and Linda Sanchez. He died in a boating mishap one day after his sisters voted against the 850 Billion-Dollar bailout of Wall Street, and three days before AIG Insurance executives spent $23,000.00 at a posh resort having their backs waxed.

Fort Irwin, Texas

Another chapter unfolded in the US military’s war on our environment, as bad publicity forced the Army to end its program of relocating endangered Desert Tortoises so the desert could be blown up by people who miss their video games back home and basically just love to blow shit up. Many of the Tortoises relocated were eaten by Coyotes starving from the unprecedented drought, and the rest caught a respiratory disease that killed the previous Tortoises that had lived in the area. EarthSourceMedia awards ten stupidstix to the Army, and points out that such behavior, along with that of the Supreme Court in arguing for Sonar and ‘security’ against Whales, shows that a robust Military and a healthy Earth are exact opposites, and never the twain shall meet. Moral of the story is, support the troops and you can’t support the Earth. This is why new anti-animal-rights and anti-environmentalist laws have sprung up, supported by both major parties. Hell, make that 20 stupidstix why-dont-cha?  ESM 

San Francisco, California

So far this year, 19 people have jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge, prompting officials to ok placing a $50 Million Dollar net underneath to catch them. EarthSourceMedia suggests the money instead be used to install -and fill- money dispensers along the span, where distraught citizens can pluck needed dollars out like doggie-bags. This would likely cost less and do more to prevent suicides. ESM

Anchorage, Alaska

Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin has been found by a bipartisan panel to have abused her power as Governor of Alaska when she tried to have her former brother-in-law fired from being a State Trooper. The entire problem seems to have arisin when the man ‘shot a female Moose’. Further investigation showed that Palin’s sister had a permit to shoot the Moose and her father skinned the Moose, but Palin only wanted the former brother-in-law (fresh off a bitter divorce with her sister) charged.

EarthSourceMedia questions the wisdom of having such a vengeful woman as Vice President, or having anyone Vice President who believes we are all about to die in a great calamity. ESM

Munich, Germany

Karl Merk has a new lease on life after being the first man ever to recieve a double-arm-transplant. Doctors were pleased with his progress, but concerned that he had lost all his vaccinations. ESM

Mexico

Hurricane Norbert headed toward Baja with a full head of steam last Thursday. As a category 4 storm, Norbert was expected to overpower Border Guards and enter the country.  ESM

Sydney, Australia

Quantas Airlines intends to compensate passengers who were injured by a recent loss of altitude causing some spinal injuries. Due to a loss of neck vertabrae, one will even be chosen as the new Quantas spokesperson, now that he looks like a Koala Bear. ESM

North Carolina

A paratrooper won an award for combat valor during the 2007 liberation of Musa Qal’ eh  for ‘exposing himself’ to enemy fire against the Taliban. EarthSourceMedia wants a photo of the penis of anyone who gets the Silver Star for exposing himself. 

Los Angeles, California

A fortune teller was killed when a man threw a molitov cocktail into her place of business, following a dispute of some kind. EarthSourceMedia has obtained a copy of a cassette recording of her last moments;

Yezz, yezz, I zee eet all now, a bright and shining light, coming ever closer to us this moment, ever nearer- it could be your mother calling from beyond…no, eet is your fazzer, no…. eet is your little brown dog dusty, no…. eet is…it is…

BLAM!

From the 9 foot long American Flag hanging above the counter at Sizzler in Santa Rosa to the decorative cammo of National Guard trucks now all over our nations highways and byways, I’m joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying:

Goodnight and go with grace!   

Missing 12 Minutes!

Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

NEWSFLASH:

 joey_djmark_kmud.JPG

 This just in: When last we saw our hero ( you know, the last time I posted on this blog that nobody reads) I was protesting in San Diego outside a ‘communty meeting’ San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders had called to ‘bring awareness’ about water conservation. Ha! What an absolute joke, coming from a man who is pro desalination so we can use the water to ok more new developments which will create new demand for yet more water. Now THATS what I call conservation!

Anyway, noone ever challenges these guys I guess because they all take money, or get appointed to some position with a title like, “Grand Requisitor” or something. What I do know for sure is that every environmental group in San Diego has sat by and allowed these scumbags to dump dirty sewage off Point Loma with the last sewage waiver in the state and that shit (pun intended) has got to stop.

But that was the LAST time you saw me, remember?THIS time, I left San Diego and went to do a concert in the redwoods for EARTH FIRST and wound up on KMUD Redwood Community Radio doing a fun-as-hell show with DJ Mark who actually liked my new PS158 CD. He liked it so much that he was late turning down the volume when the songs said colloquialisms like SHIT or FUCK and we got booted off the air for 12 minutes when the only thing that came out of thousands of radios was something like this:

Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhpppkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

But then it snapped back on and we proceeded right dam on with the show. What a crock, I mean, you can’t say ‘boo’ anymore! Of course, you can extort 700 Billion dollars from the poor dopes to give it to wall street so they can continue making believe they’re some ‘housing sector’ or something, but hey- dont cuss! What? Yes, yes, you are free to go kill a million Iraqi kids, but say SHIT? I don’t THINK so young nazi!

Oh look, how cute, honey, little dipshit brain is melting the glaciers! Awww, how cute! But what? He said smegma? OMFG!!!!!!

So, 12 minutes went by and me and DJ Mark (whose shirt, btw said F-U-C-K) sat there in studio, wondering WTF was going on. I finally just realized today as I drove into Cloverdale it was the FCC. Or Nixon’s people- could have been them. Those little bastards.

See ya when I get home to San Diego, and remember folks, if Sarah Palin ever becomes president, could she be any worse than Bush was? No. So stop letting the democrats scare you with that shit. THATS RIGHT, I said SHIT! Shit shit sh…

HiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssHHHHHHHHHpppppppppppppppcccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkfffffffffffffffffft!