‘No Time to Hate!’

No Time to Hate

EarthSourceMedia Reports for October 29th, 2008

‘No Time to Hate’

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:

It’s October again, and that means ‘World Series’ to the sports fan. It also means cold weather in much of the United States, which makes it tough when you’re trying to play, as is the case in Philly. The Philladelphia Phillies lead the upstart Tampa Bay Devil Rays 3 games to 1, but the last game is suspended due to rain. So how can a sports addict get a ‘fix’ during the long delay? The real action is Pakistan, where time is running out on the nuclear clock and Bush is sending one missile after another into Pakistani villages to provoke an incident the GOP can use to stop this long-lost election. Our last missile strike killed 8 innocent civilians, but it ain’t over yet. EarthSourceMedia is reporting an Earthquake has killed 170 people and with the U.S. Military looking to ‘mission accomplish’ the world, this could go either way.

Poor Pakistan, you say? Some would agree- a nuclear player themselves, Pakistan has acheived cult status in the U.S. by standing up to India, whom we all deal with when we order a fight on pay-per-view, get our computer fixed or pay the cable bill. And word from India is, they’re no longer satisfied with just nukes; they are going to do a Moon shot,  joining a very elite club. They plan to subdivide for a lunar network of 7-11’s, AM-PM’s and Circle ‘K’s. -ESM

Ohio:

Joe the Plumber has officially endorsed the McCain-Palin ticket for President and Vice President of the United States. While it’s true that Sarah Palin certainly has enough ‘vices’ to qualify for the office she seeks, the jury is still out on wether or not it is a plus for John McCain to get the endorsement of flash-in-the-pan star-for-a-minute Joe the Plumber. Joe doesn’t have a contractors license, owes back money to the IRS and practices a religion that has us all dying in a huge calamity quite soon. Rumor has it that Obama has been endorsed by Joe’s twin brother, ‘Mr. Clean’.

Tennessee:

Secret service agents now say that two white supremecists trying to kill Barack Obama and others were likely too disorganized to actually pull off the dirty deed. The men are apparently related to Beavis and Butthead, and insist they will prove the superiority of the white race as soon as they get their shoe laces to stay tied long enough to reach a grassy knoll.

Nebraska:

In what has become a series of events, yet another child was left at a hospital in Omaha, where a new law allows distraught parents to abandon their kids. In an unusual turn of events, this last kid was 5′ 7″, born in Crawford Texas, had a face like howdy-doody and enjoyed playing real-life army men. When questioned about his parents, the boy would only say they had “misunderepresented” him.

  Washington DC:

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has repremanded the makers of Bayer Aspirin for illegally marketing their products. Bayer has made unsubstantiated claims that Bayer Womens Low-Dose Aspirin + Calcium and Bayer Aspirin with Health Advantage can battle heart disease and osteoporosis. Treatments for those diseases must be reviewed by government scientists and cannot be sold over the counter.  Other claims, such as Bayer Aspirin works as an aphrodesiac in tea, can replace RU84 in low doses, and was the mystery memory pill in Christina Applegates new Television sitcom remain unsubstantiated. 

Stay tuned next time as EarthSourceMedia shows you how to shoot urine from seltzer bottles and make ex-lax coated aspirin for Halloween distribution- razor blades in apples are so, like, yesterday, y’know?

For Earthsource, I’m joey racano saying, “B-o-o-o-o-o-o!”

 ‘No time to Hate!’

jr

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.