‘Take Back America’

Twilight Zone

EarthSourceMedia Reports for October 28th, 2008

You can go ahead and admit it any time you like- seeing a gargoyle like Alaska Senator Ted Stevens get what’s been coming to him for forty years is the same feeling you got when you discovered the pile of Penthouse Magazines under your fathers bed. Can you even imagine the death destruction and pollution this guy has caused after forty years running roughshod over Alaska? Oh sure, you’re innocent, alright Ted. So was your cousin, Ted Bundy. Rejoice, America; that wasn’t a ‘Bridge to Nowhere’ after all- it led to his demise and may well get Palin the Impaler 86’d as well.

Syria:

Two U.S. choppers flew into Syria. One landed on a farm while the other ‘watched for cops’ as my friends back in New York used to put it. People were killed. They probably just had milk on their hands, and the U.S. -once again- has blood on its hands. According to U.S. officials, one of the dead was an Al Qaeda figure. First of all, stop putting an ‘a’ after a ‘Q’, it goes against everything I’ve ever been taught. Second of all, let’s look at the odds; you give a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters, you know the rest. Some simean will complete the Magna Carta. Same-a-same, if you steal enough elections, rape the economy so bad it creates an ‘economic’ draft, use minorities to invade enough countries, and shoot enough mother fuckers, somebody is bound to be an ‘Al Qaeda’! I am so not surprised. The way we’re spreading hate for America, ‘Al Qaeda’ will soon be all over the globe and you won’t be able to have a pile-up on a foggy freeway without killing an ‘Al Qaeda’ –or two.

Germany:

In Northwest Germany, three Siberian Tigers were able to leap from a burning circus transport truck when ordered by their ‘ringmaster’ because of their ‘training’ at jumping through hoops of fire. I guess what this tortured logic is trying to tell us is that imprisoning, starving and whipping a Tiger may eventually wind up saving its life.  EarthSourceMedia says a zoo or circus is nothing but an excuse not to save wild habitat, and they should all be closed immediately, inhabitants freed and ringmasters treated to genital electrocucia.

Massachusetts:

An 8 year old boy went to the Machine Gun Shoot and Firearms Expo at the Westfield Sportsman’s Club with his father. Under the supervision of an expert, he got to shoot an Uzi for the first time in his life. That may be seem kind of young, but, since he accidentally shot himself in the head, it also wound up being the last time in his life, so if not now, when? -ESM     *editors note: Moral of the story: This dumbkopf dad, in showing an 8 year old boy the joys of a machine gun, had his inferior genes removed from the pool in a process called natural selection.

Afghanistan:

A 21st Century U.S. Military chopper flew into battle against a rag-tag group of basically mongoloid aboriginals calling themselves the Taliban- maybe you’ve heard of them? Towels on their heads, no shoes, can’t read, dirty faces- they shot the helicopter down. The crew survived. This is tantamount to the Bad News Bears no-hitting the New York Yankees. EarthSourceMedia thinks this lost chopper and wasted training cost a lot of money that could have been much better spent on a good Wall Street back waxing.

Fresno, California:

While seven Killer Whales were missing from Puget Sound and presumed to have starved to death for lack of Salmon, greedy farmers in the Central Valley were trying to have Steelhead removed from the Endangered Species list. U.S. District Judge Oliver Wanger disagreed, and in a 168 page ruling said hatchery salmon were not a replacement for their wild counterparts. EarthSourceMedia may not agree with the Judge on everything, but he is no wanger.

Portland, Oregon:

Finally, A Libertarian think-tank in Portland said Oregon voter rolls may include more than 6,000 dead people. EarthSourceMedia feels there is nothing unusual about that this close to Halloween.

That is news, and so for EarthSourceMedia, this is joey racano saying, “Goodnight, and go with grace”!

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