“He’s Got ‘WMD’S! Oh, and I Endorse Obama”. -colin powell

254 lies; 750,000 dies

EarthSourceMedia, October 20th, 2008

Welcome to ESM, where news meets entertainment…

Washington DC:

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama for President of the United States, saying the Senator from Illinois would be a “transformational” figure who would “electrify our country, the world”. ESM finds it difficult to gauge the value of such an endorsement from the man who made the final case before the United Nations to go to war against Iraq. Last time, however, Powell endorsed ‘electrifying’ Saddam Hussein, who was, of course hung instead. Due to Powells opinions on Heads of State being so widely divergent, -endorsing one, while ignoring the sovereignity of another- EarthSourceMedia feels that, rather than making national headlines for his endorsement for Obama, former Secretary of State Colin Powell should instead be making headlines in a war crimes trial for his central role in the illegal and immoral invasion and subsequent occupation of Iraq, as well as for his part in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi and American civilians (remember American activist Marla Ruzika) and some 4,000 American soldiers. Perhaps this endorsement was part of a plea-deal to keep an international firing squad at bay? We at ESM wouldn’t want to speculate.

Los Angeles, California:

In a blow to the world of judgemental superficiality, caustic fashion critic Richard Blackwell has died at age 82 of complications from an intestinal infection. Aside from his fame as judge and jury for couture of the rich and famous, the life of Mr. Blackwell was an amazing journey from one end of the social spectrum to the other and ended up the polar opposite from that which it began.   Born Richard Sylvan Selzer in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn (very near where this editor is from), he was abandoned by his father in that tough neighborhood as a teen, but overcame adversity to star in the much loved ‘Dead End Kids’ TV show, later working with such luminaries as Rita Hayworth and Mae West. In the end, he became Richard Blackwell, handing down condemnation for the misdressed who landed on his ‘Worst-Dressed List’ each year, which brought many fame, if embarassment. Most victims were so well off they really didn’t care, and it all seemed in good fun. In that same spirit of fun, our own EarthSourceMedia Fashion Critic, (me!) had this to say about Mr. Blackwells funerary attire;

Deathwear of Blackwell, Richard, Fashion Critic:

His face was taught and pale, creating the sense of a (a-hem) funeral, and the seams of his undergarments were quite visible beneath a too-dark suit. Attendant undertakers are to be commended for the few sparse, unsightly and scarcely noticeable burnt sienna stains from the intestinal infection. All would have been a coutere de triumphe’ if Mr. Blackwell were being prepared, like a deer,  for consumption, but as dead meat, with the sepia tones, it just didn’t work for me.  -joey racano, ESM  

Washington DC;

The United States Department of the Interior, in a move that would make even Gail Norton* proud, is about to relax rules against mining coal from mountaintops and then dumping the waste into pristine streams below. It’s all in the name of coal, and ESM points out that both the Democrats and Republicans are completely owned by the coal industry, so, um, bye-bye planet if ya know what we mean. In a statement, Republican Presidential Candidate John McAin said, “Waste is a terrible thing to mind”, and Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama said, “A mine is a terrible thing to waste”. -ESM

Washington DC;

Vice President and prime candidate for an international war crimes trial himself, Dick Cheney underwent  electric shock treatment  October 15th for heart ‘irregularities’. It should be noted that unlike his victims, Mr. Cheney did not have to stand in a bucket of water with a hood over his head while being shocked. Through investigative journalism efforts, ESM learned that the heart irregularities making Mr. Cheney’s heart different were;

1. It is black as the Ace of Spades, and;

2. It is cold as a witches tit in a brass bra.

Dutch Harbor, Alaska

Warming waters is causing Pollock, a favored fish of American anglers, to move ever northward into Russian waters. Scientists believe the fish are seeking  cooler temperatures, but there is evidence to suggest they are simply fleeing the policies of Alaska Governor and Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin. -ESM

Denver, Colorado:

At Fort Carson,  5 soldiers are being investigated for killing 5 people in 14 months since returning from Iraq, and officials want to know ‘why’. EarthSourceMedia suggests they turn their attention to video games like ‘Left Behind’, where soldiers carry guns, convert people to christianity, killing those who refuse. Another place to look is at fans of the Oakland Raiders, who are far more insane, viscious and violent than any muslim fundamentalist. Then, there is TV, where a child may observe a gun, murder or both every 4 seconds. Finally, it is suggested that when little children are made to stand in a classroom, place hand over heart and swear allegience to a country based on war, cancer-causing industrialization, intolerance, genocide, and a God that doesn’t exist, (see:  boogie man, terrorism and the tooth fairy),  all may contribute to psychotic adult episodes that later can result in homocide.

Back at the Studio:

Get ready for some culture as EarthSourceMedia launches our newest section on the home page entitled, ‘The Arts’. You don’t want to miss it when we get cultural, nuh-uh. And so, for ESM, from 7 miles North of the Mexican Border where we will never run for office (pow! Blam!!) for obvious reasons, this is joey racano saying, ‘goodnight and go with (ker-packoww!!) grace’!

*Gail Norton- United States Secretary of the Interior under George W Bush’s first administration (ahh, those were the days, no?), formerly was a lawyer for Rocky Mountain States Legal Foundation, once represented Dutch Boy Paints against lead-poisoned children. 

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