Final Debate of 2008

Joe the Plumber

 ~The Final Debate of 2008!~

“If elected, what will you do in the first year, as President, to decrease dependence on foreign oil? Mr. McAin?”

“Excuse me, my jaw just picked one of those funny times to swell up, you know, like the time I threw a rock out huntin’ at a jackrabbit and it missed, and richocheted off the side of the canyon wall, and though I never got that gosh-darned rabbit, the experience did toughen me up for the years ahead, when I was a prisoner of-…”

Mr. McAin, sir, I’m sorry, but we’re about out of time, could you answer the…”

“Alright, alright, don’t get so nervous, you sound like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs- I’d, well, I’d drill! I’d drill here, drill now, and pay less the better fer doin’ it. I’d like to hear what the eloquent panzy over here’ed do, but I guess we allready know…”      “Time, Mr. McAin, Mr. Obama?”

“As I mentioned a little earlier, before, I-I-I-I-I guess what I’m trying to say is that back in Chicago, when I carried groceries for old Mrs. Widownofullis, she’d sometimes come to the door, lines of concern all over her face, and she’d look at me, barely able to whisper her concerns, and they were certainly genuine concerns, about -about-about things that- things that- things that you and -you and- things- concerns about things that, the same…”

“Mr. Obama, 20 seconds, please, what would you do in the first year to cut our dependence on foreign oil?”

“I’d, well, I’d I do believe we need some offshore drilling, and the oil it would produce, but remember we only sit on 3% of the worlds oil and we use about 25% of…”

“Mr. McAin, the Earth is certainly warming from fossil fuels being burned and carbon dioxide being pumped into the atmosphere. Do you see alternative energy in our future?”

“So any ways, I came down off the mountain wearing only a bamboo headress and armed with the business end of a bunjee stick, when this short little guy walks up..”

“Mr, McAin, thank you for your service, but would you commit to…”

“Yes, I’ll commit alright, commit right now before God and country, commit to the economy, be a good steward of the economy. Heck, just ask Joe the Plumber! He knows dam well, he asked Osama the other- oops, did I say that? I meant, of course, Obama, I do apologize to my colleague…”

“Mr. McAin, 5 seconds…”

“Coal!” “Clean coal, where we pump that stuff down so deep it’d take the devil himself -and you do know, of course, that my oponent here knows that varmint personally, from when they went on a business luncheon together in Chicago with whatsisname, the ‘Z’ guy…”


“Yes, clean coal certainly seems to be the way to go, mostly because of those thousands and thousands of  voters -er, folks, with the black on their faces, not actually black, because many of those will be excised off the voter rolls, especially in Ohio, I think we all know some of that monkey business will go on, but, but those folks in Appalachia, fighting to pay their mortgages and struggling with silicosis and trying to send their kids to a college before they marry their sisters and first cousins, send them off to good schools like I and my wife went to, to get a quality education and, yes, coal- CLEAN COAL, that’ll stop the foreign dependance while it stops climate change at the same time thats happening, and you see- you see- I do agree with John McAin on a lot of these fundamental issues, late term abortions, but only if, if- only if there are some exceptions for the health of the mother and the baby and yes, clean coal, that’s the way we ought to handle it.”

“So, both of you want to drill for oil, both want to place limits on what a woman can do with her own body, both want to start a new push to mine for, process and begin a wholesale largescale burning of coal..what would you say are your major differences then, uh, what makes the American public, John Q Public..”

“Well, wait..”

“Mr. McAin?”

“Wait a minute, thats not his name, his name, I said it before, it’s Joe- Joe the Plumber, and he’s so afraid to buy his bosses business, he confronted Barack Obama on this, where he is afraid to buy because Mr. Osama here, Mr. Osama, Osama Bin Lad- oh, oh, uh-oh, did, …oh oh, I am so very sad- I mean sorry,  saddam-I mean Barack Hussein Osama Bin, oh I am so very- Joe the Plumber here is too dam afraid Osa-OK, Obama is gonna raise his taxes-

“Now I don’t think that’s fair, the- 64& of the American public think John’s been running a negative campaign, ad after ad after…”

“Oh c’mon Osama- I mean- oh, I am so very very…”

“Well folks, that’s the end of the final debate, we hope you’ll stick around for the anal- I mean the anylists, who will be here to tell you what you just heard, what it means to you, and what you think, what you should do, what you should buy, what you should spend, how you feel, and how meaningless you and your stupid little votes really are.

Next up, the Vice Presidential debates, where Palin keeps winking and Biden keeps stinking!” 

“Thats it this time everyone, and for EarthSourceMedia, I’m joey Racano saying, ‘Goodnight and go with grace.”


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