ESM

EarthSourceMedia October 11th, 2008…

For those reading this in the far future, this was a semi-tongue-in-cheek blogcast from Planet Earth (Milky Way Galaxy, make a left, three quarters of the way out on a spiral arm, straight at the stop sign, third stone from the sun) before itlooked just like Mars. Here now the news:

Vienna, Austria

Austrian far-right leader Joerg Haider, known for his anti-immigrant policies, was killed in a car crash. Haider steadfastly maintained the labor policies of Hitlers Third Reich had been ‘proper’, and he recently set up a facility in a remote mountain area to process asylum seekers ‘suspected’ of crimes. As did Donald Rumsfeld in 1983 (for an arms deal), Haider once met with Saddam Hussein for which he was widely condemned.  In any case, he’s dead. ESM wonders if the crash was the same kind of ‘accident’ that recently befell the brother of Congresswomen Lorretta and Linda Sanchez. He died in a boating mishap one day after his sisters voted against the 850 Billion-Dollar bailout of Wall Street, and three days before AIG Insurance executives spent $23,000.00 at a posh resort having their backs waxed.

Fort Irwin, Texas

Another chapter unfolded in the US military’s war on our environment, as bad publicity forced the Army to end its program of relocating endangered Desert Tortoises so the desert could be blown up by people who miss their video games back home and basically just love to blow shit up. Many of the Tortoises relocated were eaten by Coyotes starving from the unprecedented drought, and the rest caught a respiratory disease that killed the previous Tortoises that had lived in the area. EarthSourceMedia awards ten stupidstix to the Army, and points out that such behavior, along with that of the Supreme Court in arguing for Sonar and ‘security’ against Whales, shows that a robust Military and a healthy Earth are exact opposites, and never the twain shall meet. Moral of the story is, support the troops and you can’t support the Earth. This is why new anti-animal-rights and anti-environmentalist laws have sprung up, supported by both major parties. Hell, make that 20 stupidstix why-dont-cha?  ESM 

San Francisco, California

So far this year, 19 people have jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge, prompting officials to ok placing a $50 Million Dollar net underneath to catch them. EarthSourceMedia suggests the money instead be used to install -and fill- money dispensers along the span, where distraught citizens can pluck needed dollars out like doggie-bags. This would likely cost less and do more to prevent suicides. ESM

Anchorage, Alaska

Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin has been found by a bipartisan panel to have abused her power as Governor of Alaska when she tried to have her former brother-in-law fired from being a State Trooper. The entire problem seems to have arisin when the man ‘shot a female Moose’. Further investigation showed that Palin’s sister had a permit to shoot the Moose and her father skinned the Moose, but Palin only wanted the former brother-in-law (fresh off a bitter divorce with her sister) charged.

EarthSourceMedia questions the wisdom of having such a vengeful woman as Vice President, or having anyone Vice President who believes we are all about to die in a great calamity. ESM

Munich, Germany

Karl Merk has a new lease on life after being the first man ever to recieve a double-arm-transplant. Doctors were pleased with his progress, but concerned that he had lost all his vaccinations. ESM

Mexico

Hurricane Norbert headed toward Baja with a full head of steam last Thursday. As a category 4 storm, Norbert was expected to overpower Border Guards and enter the country.  ESM

Sydney, Australia

Quantas Airlines intends to compensate passengers who were injured by a recent loss of altitude causing some spinal injuries. Due to a loss of neck vertabrae, one will even be chosen as the new Quantas spokesperson, now that he looks like a Koala Bear. ESM

North Carolina

A paratrooper won an award for combat valor during the 2007 liberation of Musa Qal’ eh  for ‘exposing himself’ to enemy fire against the Taliban. EarthSourceMedia wants a photo of the penis of anyone who gets the Silver Star for exposing himself. 

Los Angeles, California

A fortune teller was killed when a man threw a molitov cocktail into her place of business, following a dispute of some kind. EarthSourceMedia has obtained a copy of a cassette recording of her last moments;

Yezz, yezz, I zee eet all now, a bright and shining light, coming ever closer to us this moment, ever nearer- it could be your mother calling from beyond…no, eet is your fazzer, no…. eet is your little brown dog dusty, no…. eet is…it is…

BLAM!

From the 9 foot long American Flag hanging above the counter at Sizzler in Santa Rosa to the decorative cammo of National Guard trucks now all over our nations highways and byways, I’m joey racano for EarthSourceMedia saying:

Goodnight and go with grace!   

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