September 15th News

From Carpenters Union Halls where Democratic Party Central Committees hold  meetings for their labor-controlled politics, to the clearcuts that results in,

I’m joey racano, here now the news:

Stocks tumbled once again on Wall Street, as US Markets continued to shake like a slow motion sequence on Baywatch. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac got bailed out, while Lehman Bros. got bailed on, Merryl Lynch got lynched, and taxpayers got pinched.

We now take you LIVE to a window ledge 68 stories above Lehman Brothers, where an interview with a distraught CEO is already in progress:

ESM: “Is this where it all ends for the American dream, or do you believe we should ‘stay the course’?”

Lehman Exec:  “Goddam Pigeons. I hate Pigeons! Shit everywhere, my car, my porch at the house in Connecticut, everywhere!”

ESM:  “President Bush today claimed the economy is strong enough to withstand and recover; your comments?”

Lehman Exec:  “Do you know these little fuckers can see in ultra violet and fly using the Earths magnetic field, so long as there are no cell phone towers around? Because then, they get hypnotized by the light at the top and fly ’round and ’round ’till they crash to the ground far below and land in a pile with the rest of the song-birds and such”. 

ESM:  “So you’re still holding out hope for our economy? You don’t agree with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez that the dollar crashing equates to the USA crashing?”

Lehman Exec:  “Here little fella- c’mon, c’mon- papa won’t hurt you, no no. Come on, come to daddy now, here ya go…”

ESM: “Any words of advice to would-be entrepanuers about warning signs or tell-tale signs forcasting trouble?”

Lehman Exec: “I always loved you, Miss Applebee…

                A-l

                       -l-

                            w-

                                a-

                                   y-

                                     s-

                                       !

                                         !”

                                           *

                               s-p-l-u-c-k!

 hoboken-suicide-attempt-jump-from-6-story-window-june-15-20071.jpg

(Switch, switch!)

Meanwhile, in greater Los Angeles, where two trains collided resulting in some 24 dead, the text messages between engineers were released today. Here is an ESM exclusive!

(Theme from EarhSourceMedia, echo box repeats ‘exclusive, exclusive, exclusive, exclusive!…)

“Hi, I’m Tammy tattle, reporting from LA on the tragic train crash. Here are the texts recovered from the cell phones of the engineers so far”:

Yo, G  OMFG, U R 2 Close U AHOLE WCHOUT

TLL MS APL B  I LVE HER

“That’s all 4 now, back to U joey!”

“Thank you TT, and that’s it for us as well. You all take good care and until tomorrow this is joey racano $ ESM saying, goodnight and go with grace!”

(Theme, lights and fade, fade, fade…CUT!

Good. That’s a wrap.  *

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