September 14th News

EarthSourceMedia
‘Speak Truth to Youth’
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From the ghettos to the sea, to storm-battered poor neighborhoods in Houston and New Orleans, from the permanent police roadblocks in WashingtonDC to SeaWorld San Diego, where giant ‘federally protected’ creatures are trapped in chlorinated swimming pools and fed dead fish, I’m Joey Racano and this is EarthSourceMedia news for September 14th, 2008:

In Washington today, General Patraues asked for more troops in Afghanistan and announced that a contest would be held to see how many different ways journalists spell his name before the end of poppy-season, when the Heroin crop the troops are guarding there begins making it’s way to the gangs of Los Angeles for nationwide distribution

In Houston, a flotilla of police and National Guard troops searched for several thousand people who had refused to evacuate before Hurricane Ike hit. Several of the survivors claimed to have been visited by the angel Gabriel, who was quoted as saying, “Houston – direct hit! As ye sow, so shall ye reap”.

All across the US, young evangelicals remain split on Palin for VP, with half claiming she is the Virgin herself, and the other half calling for her to be cast alive into a *lake of fire* (Lake of fire: Revelation, a vision of oil burning on water, probably in the Persian Gulf).

According to Mainstream Media reports, several score Afghan civilians were killed last month in a US bombing stemming from a ‘false tip’. A 9-1-1 tape of the phone tip has been obtained by ESM and plays as follows:

R-r-r-r-r-i-i-i-n-n-n-g!”

R-r-r-r-i-i-i-n-n-n-g!”

“US Command Center!”

“Hello?”

“Yes, US Command Center, how can I help you?”

“Uh, yeah, can I get a sausage and garlic pizza with the thin crust?”
“US Command Center at N.O.R.A.D, I think you have the wrong number.”

(Laughing in background, snickering and long draws of breath, like tokes from a joint)

“Uh, yeah! I mean, no, no… umm, hey, I got a hot tip for you over in Afghanistan. You want to beat terrorism, don’t you?”

“US Command Center, who is this please?”

“Shhhhh- nevermind that now, go to 45672 Astillimah Street and you’ll find seven terrorists with Obama Bin Laden and Elvis Presley plotting something or other, but ya gotta hurry!”

“US Command Center, how do we know this is good information?”

“Click”

“Hello?”

“Hello?”

(Siren and OOga horn go off)

(Crackle*pop*hissss)

“All hands on deck, all hands on deck, this is not a drill, scramble scramble, ten fighter-bombers, proceed to 45672 Ashtillamah St on the double, repeat, this is….”

That’s our news for tonight, for everyone here at ESM, goodnight and go with grace.

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